September 17, 2015

Off-grid

So, I snapped at Sarah the other day. It was over cleaning. I don't really feel like getting into it. The gist of the story is she never cleans, then once in a blue moon gets on this high horse that makes me feel like my weekly efforts are under appreciated. So now I've worked myself into a restless state. I just want to be alone. I want to disappear. I need time to stew and think and make some big decisions...without acting too rashly.

The bottom line is I don't want to renew my lease. I have enough things to worry about without having to feel as if my home isn't a safe place. I've managed to only go home once this week (and that was as late as possible- 3:30 in the morning!) because I don't feel like being seen. I don't feel comfortable going home. So I've picked up old vagabond habits. I've been staying at work late, skipping from place to place, trying to decide what I'm going to do about this lease situation.

Because let's be honest. My credit isn't currently good enough to apply for an apartment without a co-signer, and who could possibly act as a co-singer. I find it unlikely that Brian would be ready to move in together by the time January rolls around, and I don't want to push those boundaries yet anyway. Besides, I have a lot of stuff, he has a lot of stuff, and all of our stuff wouldn't fit together in his little duplex. Plus, no cats aloud there and I now have two. I could move in with my parents I guess. They wouldn't turn me away at least, but they already have a full house so I'd be lucky to find a spot on the floor. Which is an option, but I'd rather exhaust all my other options first.

I'm considering going off grid. You know, like camper living. I'm just not sure how that works. Parking at a campsite is expensive, so one might as well lease an apartment. But I like the idea of living in a little RV on my own. It would be mine. I could still keep the cats. I wouldn't be bound to other people or bound to a lease. I could come and go as I please and just breathe. Only problem is I don't have an RV, I doubt I can save to buy one, and there's still the parking issue.

So then I thought about buying a little pop-up camper. It's portable and can be towed by my truck. I could still have the cats, it would still be my own, and I wouldn't be tied down. Still the issue of parking. So I'm not sure what to do as of yet. If I didn't have the cats, I'd just as soon live in my car. I imagine it's slightly easier to get by parking with a car as opposed to a camper. Or maybe I could couch surf from night to night, place to place around the area until I save up enough money to do otherwise.

That's my ultimate goal. To get out of this lease, then save up enough money to pay off some of my debt. I'd only need a couple months to do it. Given I budget well. If I could manage a place to sleep every night without worrying about the expenses of rent and water and electric and gas and cable, I could be mostly debt free in 5 months. Then I could get a decent apartment on my own and manage on just fine.

But I don't live in an area with national parks in abundance where I can set up a camp site dirt cheap. So I'm doing research. One thing I know is I'm not renewing that lease.

Maybe my parents would let me park my popup in their backyard...but that'd be a helluva commute to work.

We'll see what happens. I just kind of want to be on my own for awhile. I want to disappear into the night and be quiet with nature. I almost want to take a spiritual journey to figure out what it is I want to do with myself. I'm researching programs and it's just making me realize how much I don't know that answer. The only thing I'm sure of right now is Brian. When I do pick a program, the one thing I know is that I want him to come with me. And I'm mostly certain that he would agree to it, too.

We discussed the idea of moving last night. I was telling him how all the programs I'm interested in are so far away. Kansas. Montana. Washington. The Dakotas. Everything is to the West it seems. After some bantering about the cost of living in other places versus here, he said something along the lines of how he's move to the middle of nowhere with me. We were speaking if Montana at that particular moment. Remember back when I had my heart set on Montana? Back when I had was having a similar experience as I'm having now, a restlessness that was driving me to go out into the wilderness.

I bet I'd like Montana with Brian. Nothing but big sky, glorious mountains, heavy snows, my studies, and my love. You never know. Maybe I'll end up out West after all. Even more reason to buy a camper.

But first, I need to worry about the hear and now so I can get to the there and then.

scullerymaid at 4:19 p.m.

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