August 10, 2015

Smells in my jacket

I left my jacket at Brian's house for a week and now it smells really funny. I've been smelling this weird smell all day and I just now realized it was my jacket. I can't even describe what it smells like, but I don't like it. I think it's a mix between my laundry detergent and the staleness of his apartment. I swear it's because he leaves the air off whenever he goes out. It gets stuffy pretty quickly. It's really bothering me. If I wasn't at work, I would strip down. That will teach me to leave my clothes at his place, huh? It's not even that his place smells all that bad. Whenever I'm there, it seems fine. But now I might start questioning this. I'm probably so used to it, I just don't notice anymore. I wonder how often I come into work smelling like his apartment? I do like my place better. We always hang out at his place, and I prefer it that way, but I wish my place was more convenient to our needs. In other words, maybe if I didn't have any roommates I would insist that we spend some time in my space, too. Or maybe if my upstairs bedroom didn't get so hot in the summer. Or maybe when I finally invest in some blackout curtains so he can actually sleep in when he stays over. I like staying over at his place, but I think it's important that we explore and feel comfortable in each other's spaces. He did stay with me last weekend. It was kinda weird since it's not something we do very often, but I appreciated the gesture. So there's that.

I feel like we got into a thing the other day. Oh yes, that's right. We did! You see, Brian tends to go into these moods. They aren't always bad moods per se, he just introverts I guess. You'd think as an introvert myself I would be very understanding of this, but as a sensitive, emotional being I don't do a very good job at it. Saturday morning he wanted to clean up his place, but felt weird and awkward about doing it with me there. So I told him I would go home, which means I spent 10 minutes in my car crying before I finally collected myself for the drive. I really understand his reasons, or at least I want to understand them, but I found the fact that he felt weird doing the dishes around me very upsetting. We've been dating for almost 4 months. If you can't do the dishes in front of me after 4 months, then what else can't you do with me? That was the mentality I assumed. Why can't you do these mundane things with me? Why do you have to entertain me? Yada yada yada. It made me feel like if he was uncomfortable with me just hanging around in his home while he cleaned, then he must not really be connecting with me. I can't remember if we really talked about it later. Knowing myself we probably did. I'm sure we had a little moment about it anyway. Yeah, we talked about it on the couch!

You know, I feel like we've been having these little instances a lot recently, which means it's probably happened only three times, but it feels like a lot to me. But I like them. I feel like if we are having these little moments of conflict, then we must be growing. That we must be getting to know each other better. Or at least, talking about the conflict afterwards makes me feel like we're growing, which is so important to me. I asked him if he felt like I was too easily agitated, or that I became upset too frequently, and he said no. So far, he told me, it seems that I only get upset as a reaction to his own mood. That I feed off of his feelings and that's when these things tend to happen. That makes me feel good about everything too. Being with TJ, I felt hysterical all the time. That I was going insane because my feelings were so high all the time. I guess with Brian my feelings are nice and level and stable.

I took him to meet my mom yesterday. It was a long drive, a long day, but otherwise enjoyable. Except my little brother and I were fighting all day non-stop. It was bad. We usually engage in banter, but this was the worst I can remember it in a long time. My poor dad. Poor Brian. My poor mom. I don't know what was going on between us... But like I said, it was nice seeing my mom. I don't see her very often at all and when I think about that it makes me sad. I wish she were closer. I would like to develop that relationship more.

scullerymaid at 5:45 p.m.

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