June 11, 2015
Orange ginger beer
Sometimes I go back and read our old messages, and it makes me blush. It's nothing dirty. It's just the way we talk sometimes. Confessing things without really confessing them. It seems so intense. Sometimes I can't even read them because it makes me feel so vulnerable.
I know it's so soon to think these things, but I really do hope this is the real deal. I can't imagine going through all this again for it to lead at a dead-end. Brian is such a sweetheart. I don't know why anyone would let him go. Also, I feel like my feistier side is starting to come out, and so far he doesn't mind it. Sometimes he tells me I'm curt (hopefully in a nice way), and last night he called me stubborn. It's funny. I don't generally consider myself to be all that stubborn, but it does seem to come out around him, though. I'm going to take that as a good sign. It must mean I'm comfortable with him if I'm willing to let my real self shine through like that, huh?
Bedroom business seemed to have improved. I let him set a slow pace when I would have moved a little faster. In the end, I'm still the only one that got anything out of it, but at least I didn't feel as dejected this time about it. I wonder how long things in that department will be like this. From my understanding- without prying too deeply- it won't be forever. I sure hope not. I'd keep him around anyway because I'm doing just fine in that area, but it would make me sad I think. To always have all this foreplay with no real release for him. I wish I knew what I could do to help out, but I don't think there is anything. But that's okay. I'm not too concerned. We've only been dating for just shy of two months. Sounds crazy, right? Sometimes I can't believe it. And we make so many plans! I absolutely love it. I can't think of anything negative in the relationship at all. Ha, last night we were over at his friend Monica's and I kept getting up and sitting in the recliner instead of next to him on the couch. I don't think he appreciated it too much, which made me text my limits even more. Once again, it's so nice to be with someone that likes touching me. That wants me around. That doesn't seem ashamed or embarrassed by me. What a beautiful feeling.
Speaking of feelings, TJ decided to start texting me this week. I think it's obvious that he's lonely. Come on! As much as he complained about all the time we spent together, I was the only one spontaneous enough to do things with him at the drop of a hat. Or even just to do things in general. There is a part of me that feels for him. I feel for his loneliness. I feel for his emotional incapabilities. I wish he were happy, whatever that means for him.
He misses me. Of course he does. I treated him like a king. All these years I took his abuse and still made sure his needs came first. Not saying that's one of my finer qualities, but I really did feel so deeply for him. I probably always will. But it doesn't matter that he misses me. I will never go back. Maybe we'll be able to forge some kind of friendship after all, and though I miss some of the memories of him, I don't miss how he made me feel. So miserable and desperate and hysterical and so full of love and longing and dead hope. I can feel for his woes until my heart bleeds in empathy, but I will never be put down like that again. Which is so hard for me to say because he has done so much for me. But I still blame him for so many things. He's the reason I have no money. He's the reason I put my life on hold. He's the reason little insecurities pop up in my new relationship from time to time. He may not be the nice guy he thinks he is, but he's a good person and I really do hope he figures out whatever is it he's looking for. You know, he feels like he needs to check up on me. To make sure I'm happy, he says. Funny that my happiness wasn't a priority for the last five years. The other day he said I had been his better half. I can't believe he's having those kind of thoughts. Then again, it's no real surprise is it? He's the one that always wanted to resume things once they went sour.
Anyway. I need to get back to the gym. For real. It's not just a matter of losing weight anymore. Brian likes to drink his beer, which means he likes to introduce me to all kinds of different ones since I swore for years that I didn't like beer. Turns out I was wrong. It's really good when you're drinking the right stuff. So I need to make sure my sugar stays in check from this excess alcohol. Plus, losing weight is a perk, too. I really wanted to start going in the mornings, but Brian and I still stay up too late talking on the phone. Or if I'm at his place, we stay up far too late after going to bed (It really is nice despite our little hiccups). I'm already dragging throughout the day as it is. Last night we didn't go to bed until 4am! I'm not complaining. I love it. But I'm tired. So I'm going to start keeping my clothes in my car again and see how often I can go straight after work. That seems to make the most sense.
Still really need to get that second job, too. I feel like my money issues just keep getting worse and worse. I'm too scared to look at my credit score anymore. It's that bad...
scullerymaid at 3:25 p.m.