June 09, 2015
Midnight tears
It's really sweet how concerned for my well-being Brian can be. The other night, his friend Monica wanted to hang out. So the two of us went to Harbor Fest (where we indulged in some amazing cinnamon roasted nuts), then we went downtown because we were invited to a house party. It was her friend's boyfriend's birthday. And what a gathering it turned out to be! As soon as I walked in, I was handed a shot of Crown, and I'm pretty sure I had at least six of them, plus some firecracker and grey goose. Let's not forget the various beers I was asked to taste- one of the guys brewed his own IPA. I don't really care for IPA, but it wasn't too bad. But needless to say, Monica and I got decently drunk parting with all those gay boys. They know how to throw down. I felt like I was in college again. That's the kind of party it was. Lot's of drinking. Lot's of dancing. Lot's of flirting. At three of the guys requested to do boob shots off of me. I'd never experienced it, so I agreed. Plus they were all gay. If they were straight, I would not have. Brian has already told me he doesn't mind if I indulge in kissing women every now and then (which I do from time to time when I'm at a party), but I don't think he would take too keenly to straight men taking shots off my body. But these were gay men, so I figure it was okay. Anyway, so he was texting me throughout the night and my texts were getting sloppier and sloppier. Not because I necessarily felt extremely drunk, but because it was making me tired and my texting uses that whole swiping thing and I was just too lazy to fix my typos. But it was sweet because he offered to come out there and pick us up. We declined. I didn't want to leave my car there because it would be a hassle the next day to bother with it. Plus, the guys at the party made us breakfast foods to help sober us up and we were fine by the time we were ready to leave. Good gosh, I don't think I dropped Monica off until 3am or so. Then I drove down the street to Brian's. I had thought about leaving him be and just staying with Monica, but he had told me he would be upset if I hadn't of let him know when I got in. If I was going to wake him up anyway, might as well sleep in his bed. But it's just nice to know that he cared. In none of my other relationships has anyone wondered how I was doing during a night of going out or where I was going to end up afterwards. So it's just another thing to add to the list of reasons why Brian is a keeper and I really like him. It's nice to know someone is there is I need them to be in a situation like that.
You know, he has started calling me hon. I don't know if it's just something that comes out from time to time or if it's going to be his pet name for me, but I've noticed and I like it. He called me babe once, too, but I think I might like hon better. It doesn't really matter. Either way, it gives me little flutters. It's endearing. He's just wonderful. Seriously, I don't know how I lucked out with him. And I'm not even trying to put him on a pedestal. He's just always making sure I'm okay and he's always touching me, and is just kind and thoughtful and considerate and I love every second of it.
I felt a little bad the other night, though. We were doing some bedroom business, and because of his need to create intimacy before engaging in sex (I guess..even though we've had sex a few times now), it's been mostly him just doing great things for me, and then that's it. Nothing for him. And as much as I enjoy messing around and being pleasured, each time he doesn't have any sort of release, I grow a little more insecure. I worry that our sense of intimacy won't grow if he still hasn't been able to finish, or I worry that I just don't know how to please him, and then I become hesitant to even move. I go straight from love goddess to naive virgin in an instant. I know it's silly, but I can't seem to help it. And then all kinds of negative thoughts surface. I begin thinking he's not attracted to me and that I must not arouse him. I think about how scared I am to touch him sometimes or that he might think we're spending too much time together and will grow tired of me. These are things that stem from my previous relationship with TJ, I know, and I just need to let them go. He was always in control of everything. He never let me touch him. I couldn't hold his arm or walk hand in hand with him or cuddle him at all and I feel that definitely translated into the bedroom. And of course his number one issue with our relationship was the face he had to see me. I'm sure if we had been long distance, he'd have been happier than a clam.
Anyway, so sexy time with Brian has been eating away at my confidence bit by bit so I think I've been projecting all these insecurities onto him. So after we finished the other night and I had been thoroughly pleased and still nothing happened with him, I broke down on him. It was so pathetic of me, yet I'm glad it happened because he was so sincere and tender. There I was leaking tears all over his pillow (and I do mean the pillow on his side of the bed), telling him all these things I had been feeling and how I thought maybe we should stop having sex because it was starting to make me feel kind of empty, and he just listened. Then he kept kissing and caressing me, reassuring me he enjoyed my touch, wanted to be touched by me, and that I could touch him whenever I wanted to. He told me that he wasn't sick of me, wouldn't grow sick of me, and actually liked seeing me so often. Then we talked about sex for a bit. I think I'm still going to be hesitant in that department now for the time being, but but I'm sure things will turn out just fine. I've decided he can start taking the lead a bit from now on.
Then he just held me and we talked about nothing until I drifted off to sleep against him and I swear I'm going to marry this man and have his babies. Don't think I'm not serious. He really is...I don't even know what more to say about him right now. He's made me feel so much better about everything.
Also, I finally met his family on Sunday. And let me tell you, that is an entertaining bunch of people. They have this very specific sense of humor and they were just going back and forth bam bam bam and bouncing off one another and there's no way I could ever keep up (and I'm not sure that I want to). But it was a nice visit. They are very well to do and have a fantastic historic waterfront property out in the country. It's beautiful. Exactly the kind of place I'd want to live. And they were just nice people. I really like his youngest brother. He's only 16, but he tells a great story and has an appreciation for nature that I appreciate. His other two brothers were great, too. Now I just have to meet his two sister and he has to meet my mom and that's said and done.
I can't believe how much I like him and how quickly. I really do love our relationship so much. I like the closeness of it. I like our little jokes. And I especially love that he is always holding my hand. Or maybe I hold his hand. It's just so nice to be constantly touched. Don't ever take that sense of affection for granted.
scullerymaid at 6:15 p.m.