April 17, 2015
Is this what they call closure?
So, TJ and I had our little meeting last night and hopefully my ugly cries are over. It was a little weird at first. This was our first encounter since the breakup. I knocked on the front door, which he thought was weird. But let's be honest. I can't just waltz through the back door anymore as if we aren't trying to become strangers. Anyway, it took me a good 30 minutes to hunt down the rest of my things that he missed. Neither of us said a word, which pained me a bit. Every once in awhile, he'd move from the living room to see what I was doing, but nothing more. I made him deactivate my Netflix and he called me difficult. Not for deactivating it, but he has one of those smart tvs and it's a real pain to get the apps off. Well, he's also had a whole week to deactivate it. Did he really think I was going to let him keep it since he was putting such a fuss about me getting all my stuff out? Netflix is part of my stuff.
After that, some small words were exchanged. I couldn't tell you what. Some final thing I suppose. Then he held his arms open for a hug, and that's when I lost it. I tried so hard not to cry, to be cool and indifferent, but then we were hugging and I was crying. Then he began tearing up. I thought he was laughing at me at first, but no. TJ just doesn't know how to cry. When he's hit with emotion, his eyes burn red and then he smirks to shrug it off. I must admit, that surprised me a bit. It was only the third time I have ever seen him cry.
I guess he decided he was ready to talk finally, because he sat me down on the couch and said I could say whatever I needed. The last thing I wanted to do was fight, so I didn't bring up the last fight we had or any of our past problems, but chose to focus on the future. I told him how disrespected I felt that he wasn't answering my calls when the only reason I had called was to arrange to pick up my things. I myself was trying to be respectful by not just showing up to his house unannounced as has always been the norm. He actually agreed with me so from now on he won't ignore me if I'm trying to touch base about something. Obviously if I'm contacting him, it's for a specific reason. Whenever we break up, I give him his space so the way he was behaving this time was downright immature. I didn't put it in those words. Didn't want to start a fight, remember? But it made me feel a lot better that he was seeing reason.
Naturally, he didn't really have anything to contribute about our relationship outside of that. But it was nice to be amicable. I don't really know what we talked about, but next thing we know, it's three hours later. There was no screaming, no shouting, and the tension between us seems to have evaporated. Which is what I wanted. I wanted to end things on a friendly note. We've been together for too many years for him to be so cruel and place so much blame on me. As the sensitive one, it made me feel like quite the shit...and not in a good way.
Of course, nothing has changed. We're still not going to talk regularly like we did, and we're not going to spend time together, but I'm just very happy that tension is gone. That even if we didn't cover the points that I don't understand, that at least we talked, and for a good while. And now we also may agree to see each other in a group setting. I'm not too worried whether or not that happens. Probably best if it doesn't.
But I feel calm now. I really don't think I'll be doing anymore big cries. At least, I hope not. So fingers crossed I can move on easily now and start dating.
It hurts me a bit because I did allow myself to love TJ so deeply (regardless of how he felt for me), but I've started a correspondence with a seemingly nice gentleman. If it doesn't lead to anything, at least it's a good distraction.
In other updates, my menstrual tracker says I'm supposed to start my period today, but I don't feel anything. That makes it 17 days late if you count by what day I usually start. Twenty-three days late if you count by the day my tracker last suggested I would start. Needless to say, I'm quite nervous. I know I took that test a couple weeks ago, but I'm beginning to doubt it's accuracy. I've been on this current cycle for 46 days. Not normal at all for me. Wouldn't that just be perfect timing...
scullerymaid at 11:34 a.m.