April 15, 2015
Snot and tears
Last night I finally had an ugly, snotty cry. I've had tears leak out here and there, but I haven't cried since the break up happened a week ago. And now today I feel like crying, but I'm trying really hard to hold it together at work. I woke up this morning with that anxious feeling in my gut again, and I haven't been able to shake it off yet. It's just not fair that I have all these feelings, and he doesn't even care.
I keep telling myself there's no reason to be upset. We all know he's going to contact me. Maybe in a week. Maybe in a month. Either way, it's going to happen. How many times has he done it before? I didn't think it was going to happen last time, and it did. Why shouldn't it happen now? I keep thinking, if I can just believe that, I don't have to feel so sad. But I don't think he's going to contact me. I really don't. Everyone says otherwise, but I just have this sinking feeling. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'm more frightened of him never speaking to me again, or if I'm more frightened of receiving that phone call again.
I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I was looking at a Photo we just took together on Easter Sunday. Was he really so miserable when he took that photo? I guess he was...
I know we shouldn't date. If the last five years has taught me anything, that's the obvious lesson. But even though we were dating and I love him deeply, I've always said we make better friends and I wish we had met under different circumstances. Maybe that's why I'm so upset. It's not just that I'm losing a lover. It's so easy to find a lover. I'm losing my best friend here, the person I hang out with all the time. We aren't overly romantic, you know. We watch TV and run errands and work on projects. We get food.
But I know I'm just idealizing everything. I'm just making excuses. I feel so raw, I'd do anything to make these feelings go away.
scullerymaid at 10:35 a.m.