April 12, 2015
I hope you stay away this time
On Wednesday, TJ broke up with me. It was a perfect day that ended horribly. It was my fault. I picked a fight. He had convinced me to play hookie from work, though if you ask him I made that decision on my own. After lunch, he decided to take a nap because he was sick. I napped with him for a bit, then decided to watch TV as I waited for him to get up. And when he came out, he was dressed and ready to go. He had made dinner plans without me, an hour before he came out, and he didn't bother to tell me anything about it before practically walking out the door. So I was upset. I was livid. I was a little ridiculous. It's just, he does this kind of thing all the time. In the middle of hanging out, because we've spent time together, he thinks it's okay to blow me off and do something else. Without talking about it. His excuse is that situations change every minute of everyday so I shouldn't have expectations. And I think that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I understand that he likes his space, but he refuses to talk to me or tell me when he wants to be alone. Instead, he convinces me to come over, we hang out, then he just leaves without hardly a word. What is that about?
Of course, I haven't been giving him the space he needs. I make too many assumptions and read his signs wrong. And now he's gone. I don't understand how it's always so easy for him to walk away. He just makes a split decision and walks out. I think he was just waiting for an excuse, for a moment for me to lash out so he could accuse me of being crazy and go. But the kicker is, he won't even talk to me now and it's killing me. It is killing me. Just cold turkey. And it boggles my mind how that works. Every time he breaks up with me, I leave. I don't text him, call him, or show up at his house. This time, I want to reconcile. Not to date. If he doesn't want to date anymore, that's fine. I just want to talk things out and figure out a way to remain friends. Because obviously breaking up never works. So, why not give friendship a chance instead? I mean, I've always said we would've made better friends anyway. And we do so much for each other. How is it so easy just to let it go?
I'm sure it's silly to want to be friends. But the last time he walked out I thought it was final and it hurt me so much. So so much. Then he came waltzing right back into my life with his sincere words and tears and I don't understand why he did it when he never believed in us to begin with. So I want to try something different. Why can't I have a say? I always do exactly what he wants, why can't it be my turn. It's just not fair that he can turn my life upside down and I don't affect him at all...even though he's the one that always comes crawling back.
Once again, maybe I shouldn't want to be his friend. We all know how shitty he is despite his redeeming moments. I should be glad he walked out. I should be angry that he gets to make these decisions. But I'm just sad. I want to be angry and I want to be relieved, but I'm just sad and tired.
You know, we had such an intimate moment last Sunday. He was so affectionate. TJ is not an affectionate person so these moments always take me by surprise. He was affectionate and loving and it was such an intimate moment that I swear my body was surging with oxytocin for days. But three days he breaks up with me, so it makes me wonder if he didn't feel that sense of intimacy. If his affection was really so insincere. And if that's the case, why bother in the first place? He could have just fucked me. Instead, he has to make me love him first.
But I still feel the blame of it all. I feel guilty for starting the fight, and I feel ashamed of how I behaved and how out of hand I allowed it to become.
Also, my period is 11 days late. It's never this late. I took a test a week ago that came back negative, but I'm still nervous as hell.
Everyone tell me I shouldn't take the time to mourn the relationship. They keep telling me I've already spent too much time doing that. And as much as I think it's a healthy thing to grieve over the loss of his friendship, there's a part of me that agrees with them. Why be sad for him? Why cultivate my feelings for him? He's proven over and over again that he doesn't care for me. Or at least, that he doesn't care enough anyway. There must be something between us for him to keep it up. I mean, we did...we really did have an intimate relationship, and I'm not talking sex. But maybe I was just imagining it all. So maybe I should just get back on the horse and leave all this behind me without a second thought. I've given him so many of my tears and I have mourned him over and over again. So maybe my heart will forgive me if I skip that step this time.
I don't know. Part of me has no interest in dating. I don't know if I have the energy to form such a close relationship again. But I also recognize that I like being in a relationship. I like having that kind of support and giving it. And let's face it. I may not be all that old, but I'm certainly not getting any younger either. I want a family, and instead of spending my youth searching for the right man, I wasted it on the guy that constantly played with my heart. I don't know what I want to do. I want to be free of these feelings, but I don't want to go through the steps.
I wish he would just sit down and have a real conversation with me. After all these years together, I find it so disrespectful that he can't even give me that.
I wish I wasn't so weak for him. Why did I always say yes? This could've been put behind me years ago.
Next month would have been our 5th anniversary. How tragic is that?
Maybe now I can shag someone that will take their fucking clothes off.
scullerymaid at 9:49 p.m.