April 13, 2015
Rambles and jumbles and self-pity.
I wish this anxious feeling in my chest would just go away. Doesn't matter that my feelings were so strong, the whole relationship was unhealthy and shit. And it's not fair that I'm sitting here trying to hold myself together, and I'm sure he's so relieved that he doesn't have to listen to my prattle anymore. I just wish we were on friendly terms. If not friends, then at least friendly.
Part of me is relieved, too. We all know that I would never leave him, so every time he breaks up with me it does feel like he's releasing me from my love shackles. It hurts. It's the worst feeling in the world because I'm losing so much more than just a lover. I'm losing my whole support group. But on some level I know it's such a good thing because I can finally find someone that doesn't find me to be so misery-inducing. But it hurts.
I would love to start dating again. Meet other people. Feel attractive. But if I admit the truth, I don't feel very attractive right now. I feel frumpy and uninteresting. I know this is just the break up talking, but I keep thinking about how quiet I am and I don't want to be quiet. I keep thinking about how I can't afford to go out and that's such a big part of dating. I also keep thinking about how I don't understand the hipster scene and most of the guys I'm attracted to tend to fall into this category. Great. I don't know anything about craft beer. It's just, this one guy is messaging me and he's so eloquent and well spoken and knows so much about all the local hot spots and it intimidates me so much. Why am I intimidated? I know things, too, right?
Part of me doesn't want to respond to his messages anymore. He sends me such messages I feel like it's more of a correspondence, which I find both refreshing and annoying. I appreciate he hasn't asked me for any nudes, but I can't tell if he's interested or just being polite. Not that it matters. Just because I've agreed to message someone doesn't mean it's going to turn into anything.
I just hate getting to know people. That's a lie. I love getting to know people. I hate people trying to get to know me. I'm so reserved at first. I don't know how to just relax and let loose. I envy people that can walk into a room and make friends with any and everyone. I wish I could do that.
God this sucks. I hate this loathsome feeling I'm directly toward myself. I have many great attributes. I'm decently attractive. I put effort into my look. I may be reserved with my personality, but I'm adventurous and caring. And I actually like going out more than I like staying in...I just don't like doing it with people I have nothing in common with. I don't think I'm that awkward even though I'm quiet.
I don't know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. If someone like TJ couldn't find it in himself to enjoy my company, to appreciate my love, then what kind of person is going to? The prospect of putting all that effort into someone else is making me feel sick to my stomach. And the fact that TJ won't agree to talk to me makes me want to go jump in the ocean and never resurface.
How long will these feelings last? I was so depressed the last time we broke up. I don't want to be depressed again. I just want to let it all go.
Perhaps I'll just spruce up my look. Put some layers in my hair. Maybe change my makeup. Thrift a dress somewhere. And keep applying for weekend jobs. I just don't want to look like his girlfriend anymore. Maybe I'll dye my hair. He always told me not to. And get more piercings. He never cared for them too much anyway.
Gah, I really hate all these thoughts I'm having. What I need is a nice bath with a cheerful book. And some hot chocolate.
scullerymaid at 3:41 p.m.