February 21, 2015

Re-upholstery

I wonder if I'm just a hard person to love. Perhaps I'm too reserved and then too overwhelming. I know love isn't something to necessarily be judged by science, but I've done the research. I can't remember the specific term, but when two people spend an extended period of time together, love is surely to happen. I wish i could remember the term. But I guess in my case the opposite seems to be true. Nearly five years, and he claims not to feel an ounce of love for me, never. And I just don't understand it. What was the purpose of all this if it was never love. Of course, he can't answer any of my questions. He's selfish that way. Or perhaps he really doesn't know. He talks of a special bond between us as if that means anything. How could it?

So the only thing I can conclude is that I'm just hard to love. What other explanation can there be. And I don't mean just by TJ, though he's by far the worst for letting me love him for so long. But look at Zach. Look at Karsten. Look at Jordan and Justin. None of these men have wished to love me. None of it was ever real. They all let me believe in something that didn't exist and then went running, though I'm sure I helped. But Karsten was the first one to break my heart. He did a good one on me being my first love and all. The rest were just upsets. Then there's TJ. The man I love that never deserved my love. The weakling that made me weak. And here I am, knowing that we shouldn't be together, but longing for it anyway. I keep telling myself it's his friendship I crave. It's his companionship. It can't be his love because he doesn't know how to love. He doesn't understand what love is so how could you want that from him? I feel for him. Because when he describes what he wants out of a relationship, it's beautiful. It's exactly what I want. he just doesn't want it with me, and I fear he'll never find what he's looking for. Perhaps I say these things because I'm angry, but in all this time together I have never witnessed him love anything other than his cat. There isn't even love between him and his friends.

There's another things. We discussed friendship yesterday and he told me point blank that he enjoys having me in his life because there are things he can't discuss with his friends, the people he grew up with. They don't talk about anything! Not religion, not dreams, not hopes or aspirations. They don't discuss love or politics. They play beer pong and help each other move. Is that what friendship is? If someone cannot love their friends, how can they love their lover? Riddle me that?

Of course, I'm bitter so I'm sure I'm speaking a lot out of my ass. Who am I to judge? I chose to love someone I knew didn't love me. What kind of masochism is that?

I think I should go to therapy, if even for one session. It's not something I can afford on the regular, but clearly there is something wrong with me to agree to keep going back to someone like that. All the things I thought were signs of progress meant nothing. Just me placing meaning on things that don't matter because I'm a sentimental idiot. That's what it boils down to, doesn't it? I'd gladly place my sentiments on a rock.

Enough for now. I have too many thoughts swirling through my head. I just want a family. That's all I want. I want to get married and have babies and create a home. Why is that so hard? You know, last week I watched the show Married at First Sight. I didn't really enjoy the production of the show too much, but I enjoyed the experiment the show was based on. Pairing together matches based on scientific compatibility.

I would do it.

scullerymaid at 10:52 a.m.

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