February 09, 2015

Take me to church

It cost me a good deal of money, but I've finally been reunited with my car. Hallelujah! I was seriously getting nervous about getting to work this week. Fortunately, those fears have been quelled for another two years, God willing my baby doesn't break down on me. As often as I've put her in the shop, I'm confident we have some more years to go.

This was actually a very nice weekend. TJ and I left Norfolk at 6:30 in the morning to try to hunt down my grandma. You know, since she's been avoiding me for over a week. Side note- I really enjoy driving first thing in the morning; it's so peaceful and serene. Anyway, we got to her house around 8 and she was still in bed. So I woke her up, and she seemed very happy to see me. Strange. I've theorized that perhaps my crazy cousin was screening all my calls in an attempt to stir some excitement in her life now that she's living out there in the country. Not much to do out there if you don't have the ambition to work on some house projects. Needless to say, all seemed right and well with my grandma so I decided not to push the subject of all those missed call.

Surprisingly, we were in and out of DMV probably within 10 minutes. I really couldn't believe it because the place was a packed house when we got there. In fact, I set TJ and Allison up in a corner to play with her little tub of farm animals because I expected to be there for a couple hours. Nope, our number was called almost immediately. Unfortunately for my grandma, her issues haven't bee fixed. Something about getting her birth certificate from Missouri, which apparently isn't too easy. But the lady at the counter allowed me to renew my registration, which I was very grateful for since they wouldn't let me do it in Norfolk for whatever reason. Just to be safe, I spent the extra money and renewed for two years. Did you know there's now an option to renew for three years?! I might do that next time...

Since we had planned to do lunch but left DMV at only 10, we decided to explore Old Petersburg. I haven't been there in a good 8 years or so, so it was nice to drive around landmarks from my childhood and share that with both TJ and Allison, especially since Allison is now attending my Alma Mater. How I love that little girl. She was glued to my hand the whole day and it really made me pine to start a family, to have a little daughter of my own. But that's a whole post for a different day. After lunch, we dropped them off back home and headed on our way to Williamsburg.

you see, my dad had called me earlier and let me know my brother was feeling down. That he felt like he had been abandoned by his family and was really hurting inside. Apparently, he had come in the night before drunk and unloaded all these things on my dad. So I decided to pick him up on our way back to Norfolk and he could spend the rest of the weekend with us.

It's funny. I love my brother to death. I don't see him very often and don't agree with many of his life choices, but I understand how he came to go down the road he chose. I don't blame him for his past, but I do hold him accountable for his present, which comes off a little overbearing sometimes. But we deal with it and I think there's a lot of respect between my brother and I. You know, I went away to college to get away from my family. Though I don't remember thinking about it too often, I was a prisoner in that house, forced to raise my brother because my mother would not, forced to stay sheltered in those dark walls because my parents were too busy with their own problems, their own lives. I don't blame them the way my brother does. I left them, and they left him and he lived out his teen years feeling abandoned. Yet, somehow we both cling to each other. Over the weekend, my brother opened up to me in a way that he has never done and it really left me heart broken. To listen to his stories. To hear how he feels. To learn about his pain. I went to bed Saturday night balling my eyes out. I'm sure the bottle of brandy we killed together only fueled our emotions, but the whole experience made me feel so much closer to him. Despite the face that neither of us feel all that close with our parents now (though I'm more forgiving of dad than he is), we both hold to the idea of there being power in our blood ties. I can't tell you how he went on about how I was his sister, as if that was as important as life itself, and it really made me feel a sense of kinship that I've always wanted to feel. I don't know. I'm rambling a little bit. But as much of a pain as he is and was growing up, I'm so thankful for him. I'm so thankful.

Then Sunday, hungover as shit, we built my garden. He did the majority of the work, being a landscaper and all, but Tj helped where he could and I prized my role as overseer. My main issue was the grass. Last year I had the hardest time keeping the grass cut. The yard is to small to really use a push mower so I usually borrowed a week whacker, which I absolutely hated. So I decided this year I would just get rid of it all. Problem solved. So they dug up all the grass, and we put down fabric to keep it from growing back and mulched the whole yard. It actually looks quite nice and we laid out a plan of where to put my raised beds for tomatoes and other plants. I think I'll be enjoying my new yard this spring extensively. My brother said it was a shame to put so much energy in a place that I'm renting, and it made me long to own my own house again, but that's okay. I'll buy a house when I'm meant to buy a house. Either way, the yard looks great and I really appreciated the time spent with both my grandma and my brother this weekend.

And with TJ. I know that no one understand our relationship and I do rant a lot, but he's been very helpful. With my car situation and hunting down my grandma then hosting my brother. I'm very thankful for him, too. We've been talking about Valentines Day this week. With all the ups and downs in our relationship, we only ever celebrated it our first year together. And we've decided to do so again this year. I suppose that's a good thing. Maybe, hopefully. I don't know. Sometimes I'm so on edge, waiting for the bottom to fall out. If we get into an argument, it makes me cringe because I'm thinking "here it comes" but I really need to leave that mentality behind. Otherwise I'm just going to make it happen, aren't I? I don't know. And this whole time we've been back together since he asked me to come back, I've felt like he wasn't really trying. That we were just in the same endless circle we've always been in. But that's not fair of me. He has opened up more. He's learned to apologize for hurting my feelings, which seem to get more and more sensitive the older I get, and I'm trying to understand that he doesn't show affection in the same way I do. And yet he lets me do it more often and it's nice. Maybe we don't have a future together. Perhaps we're just beating a dead horse in hopes that it will get back to work, but right now I feel content. Maybe not in the way that I've always idealized, but when things go South in my life as they tend to do, he's the first person I want to call. And when he needs someone, he calls me too. Maybe we have a relationship based on comfort, but I'm really fucking excited to spend Valentines Day with that man.

scullerymaid at 2:03 p.m.

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