August 19, 2014
Rivers
Sometimes I wonder if I've always been an anxious person. If I've always been so emotional and sensitive. I suppose so. Lord knows so many of my entries are rather melodramatic. Always something going on, always some heartache. So has it always been so? I hate to say yes.
Today I sent myself home from work. Why? Anxiety. Stress caused nausea. Panic. There are too many thoughts swirling in m head, pulling me every which way. There are too many emotions pounding in my chest, going against all my thoughts. It's a hurricane raging inside me and I find myself feeling more and more drained, more and more tired, more and more...sad.
It's always the same song- money and relationships. I have all these plans. I'm applying for new jobs. I'm applying to school. But all these things are for money or involve money I don't have. I fear I'll never get out, never succeed. I know that's not he attitude to have and I know tomorrow I'll feel better, but in the meantime I'm freaking out. No one understands why I'm so worried about money, but they are real real concerns.
Then there's my relationships, which are probably more stressful than money. At least I can work to find money. People are harder. Sarah is so moody I just don't know what to do. I know it's because the dog keeps eating her stuff, but she refuses to pick up after herself. What's left to do after having so many talks? I couldn't tell you. Then there's TJ. We got into an argument last night. I goaded it on. I was just in this funk and he never comforts me, never shows compassion, which led to me going on and on about all the things I had issue with. And of course, he shut down because he doesn't know how to talk to me. Instead, he just attacks, and everything just went downhill. I just want to know that he cares. I just want to know he really meant it when he brought me back in his life. I know I'm supposed to be going with the flow, but there are too many unstable things in my life for me to worry about whether or not he's with me. He's the person I want to be able to rely on. So I need him to know what he wants or to drop me. I'll fight til the end, but if it's not something he wants than I'd rather end things. So I keep picking fights, pushing him away. Eventually, he'll get sick of it. And then i'll be heartbroken all over again.
Life has to get better. It just has to.
scullerymaid at 1:59 p.m.