July 30, 2014
Thinking about Noah
I saw Noah the other night. Do you remember Noah? I think the last time I saw him was in December at a mutual friend's birthday. He flirted with me even though he was there with his girlfriend and I was there with TJ. He had been been rather crass with me, drunkenly telling me all.the naughty things he'd like to do together. I can't remember how I felt abouthis advances. My heart was firmly attached to TJ so I think I said something along the lines of ddifferent place, different time.
This go around we found ourselves at the same bar at yet another birthday, only TJ and his girlfriend didn't attend. He apologized for his behavior and we got to talking. I talked about my rocky road with TJ. He advised me to leave him, then talked about the first time he met me and told me all the reasons he's attracted to me. He tried to blame the champaign, but neither of us had had that much to drink and I didn't mind his compliments this time. I've been thinking about leaving TJ anyway. We aren't even dating so there's no one to leave.
Oh Noah. Sometimes I do wish we had met under different circumstances. That night was the first time we've ever sat down and had a real conversation. And even though he still shamelessly flirted with me, it was nice to get to know him a bit and, at least for the moment, feel appreciated by a man. I wish I could describe the way he looked at me. Even now I can still see the hunger in his beautiful, passion-filled brown eyes and it makes me question everything I've been doing for the last few years. It made me question my heart and that is a scary thing.
Recently, I've been thinking about old habits before I met TJ. Of all the late night dates, of all the frenzied touches and haphazard kisses. As much as I want to settle down and have a family, sometimes I miss it. I'm sure I've missed out on plenty more of those late nights thanks to my love for TJ and I just feel so deprived. I've felt more passion with strangers than I'll ever feel with TJ and I wish I could let him go already. Or should I say I wish he would let me go. I just need him to release me so I can move on.
I just want to make-out with someone. I want to go on a nice date and have sex afterward. I want someone to feel exactly how I'm feeling even if only for a night. I'm tired of being touched insincerely.
Noah reminds me of these things. I don't think anything would ever happened between us, but then I think of that stare of his and the way he rested his hand upon my thigh and I wonder what it would feel like for that hand to move a little higher. I listen to his hairless threats of stealing me away and doing all the things he has fantasized about, and I think to myself what if it wasn't a fantasy...
I should leave. TJ is never going to give me what I need. But we have such a hard time being just friends. So it's always all or nothing with us, but I'm finally growing weary of the all parts. But at the same time, I don't want to break up again. The last time killed me and if we're going to break up again, I'd rather it be once and for all.
scullerymaid at 3:00 p.m.