July 17, 2014
10 years
My poor diary is so neglected. The other day I was thinking about how long I've had this thing going. Almost 10 years! Can you beleive it? I surely can't. I don't think I've ever stuck with something for that long. But let's be honest- I don't update like I used to. I'm really going to try to work on that.
Not much changes though. I still have house fever and can't imagine affording one. Plus, as much as I want a house of my own, do I really want to settle here? The only thing keeping me here is TJ. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I guess I could always sell...or I should just find a cute little house to rent. I wish I oculd find a nice old farmhouse to restore. Or if I wanted to be ambitious, an old plantation house. But I fear I'll never be able to afford a home at the rate I'm going. I really need to look for a more lucrative job.
TJ is trying to win my love, which really means he had a little sincere moment and now I'm back to nurturing something that probably should not be nurtured. I know deep down I'm most likely wasting my time, and yet it's so hard for me to say no to him. I really do love him, diary. He doesn't deserve it, but it is what it is. I don't know how to stop. Everytime I leave, he drags me back in. I won't go until he let's me go, and he just doesn't know how to do that either. I can't say that right now things are better ro worse. I do feel like we are spending a lot of time TOGETHER, but not in a group setting. I haven't seen his friends or family and it's been a month. Sometimes I wish he were more like me and didn't have friends or family in the area. All them were at least 25% of our problem. If it weren't for his friends, would we have broken up so many times? I love his family, but as soon as we break up I feel shunned. These are the people I've spent 3 years worth of holidays with, yet they don't know me. Not really. I'm just the girl he keeps seeing, right? Who knows. That's how I feel anyway.
Whiskey is doing superbly! She's such a sweet lady and very very protective of me. She knows she's mine and I hers. I don't think she cares for my roommate too much. When I leave, she wno't hang out with her until I get back like the cat does. She patrols the downstairs and barks at every noise. The barking is an issue, but I almost don't care since it only happens when she's home alone with Sarah. I'm working on it, but the part of me whose pride has been wounded chuckles to myself and things let her bark. She's smart, too! We work on lots of tricks. She's easily distracted by her environment. That's something we need to work on, too. I don't know if she would listen to me outside if she ever got loose. Guess we'll find out one day.
I've been on a ridiculous diet for two weeks now, and started not caring half a week ago. Which means I'v been cheating. I'm still following it to an extent, but not enough to lose the weight guaranteed. But at least I'm not eating out 24/7. I really need to get back in the kitchen. There are so many things I want to cook and just don't make the time or effort. I need to stock my pantry. Except I'm pretty sure my roommate stole my sea salt to clean her septum. I can't find it anywhere. So maybe I'll just buy things as I go. I know I know. I'm just being silly. I'll get over it eventually!
But I really can't wait to live on my own again. I miss it so much! I enjoyed living with TJ, but I don't think I'm one to live with anyone except my lover anymore. Do you think you just reach a point where you are too old to live with non-essential peopel? Well, I've reached it. After this, never again. Nope, I'm done with living with people. Life is so much simpler on your own and all I want is simplicity.
Simplicity. That really is all I want. Why is it so hard to acheive?
I might be working on a house project this weekend. Whiskey stripped some of the wall off the wall with her teeth. Sarah says to call maintainance, but why would I do that when I can fix it myself and for cheaper? Who knows how much they would charge me for dog damage...I'm excited though! I've never patched a whole before! And I'm going to have Home Depot match the paint color too. I love projects!
Which is why I should just buy a house. But how do people decide where to settle? How do you decide, yes I want this city to be my home. I think I would like to live in a small town. Close to a city but not part of it. And own some land. Enough not to be right next to my neighbors, but not so much it's a pain to upkeep.
I know what I want. I just don't know how to get it. I hope I'm still not at this point in 10 years.
scullerymaid at 5:03 p.m.