June 19, 2014
The Universe thinks this is a joke
I went on a date tonight. It was nice. Not my best date. Not my worst date. Just nice. We went for pho, then coffee, then finally decided to go see a movie because he didn't want to go to his place and I certainly decided we were not going to my place. I'd have to say conversation was awkward at first, but that's because I'm naturally quiet so tend to ramble when I don't know what to say. But eventually my anxiety subsided. He's witty and likes to crack jokes, neither of which I have the aptitude for, but he also knows a lot of random facts that I can appreciate.
He kissed me in the car on our way to the movie. He told me he was going to, and I said he'd have to wait so it would be a surprise, but he did it anyway and I didn't mind. I would've liked it better if he took a little bit more control. I think if we dated, I'd be the leading force and I haven't decided how I feel about that. I let him kiss me again before dropping me off. He even got a little hand action on my boob before I slipped from his grasp, leaving him confused and excited and no doubt a little hard. I didn't want to let things go further than they needed to. I'm quite proud of myself. Apparently, he was impressed to because 3 minutes later he texted me:
"I gotta say I'm impressed. I'm turned on, confused, excited. You're different than other girls, it's crazy.We gotta do this again. I'm gonna have a hard time sleeping, though."
I've agreed to go out again. I can't say I have butterflies in my stomach, but I'm usually slow to warm up to people. Except for the redhead. I warmed up to him like a moth to a flame. Speaking of which, as I was driving he texted me.m Wanted to know if I'd like to sit and chat for a bit. Why is it guys in my life must always come in multiples? I swear the universe is against me. There's Zach, the guy I went out with. Then Justin, the redhead. Then there's TJ.
Oh TJ, TJ, TJ. He's my kryptonite and the one thing I can't say no to. I did so well. A whole month with no contact minus when he picked up his cat carrier. Then last night shot that all to hell. As you know, he called me. He'd been drinking at our pizza place. Alone. A whole pitcher and a shot. He doesn't do shots very well in my opinion. The waitress remembered me and asked where I was. I can't phantom what answer he gave her, but it must have prompted his contact. And I responded. I was a little harsh at first, then realized he was drunk. I assumed he was with his brother, but he wasn't with anyone. We ended up calling and he was totally wasted. Couldn't get out of the parking lot wasted. As cold as my blood had turned at hearing his ringtone sound from my phone, my worry overpowered any ill feelings I had. I met him at his house to make sure he wasn't dead and to help drag his ass in the house. Apparently, he didn't think I would come because when he saw me he hugged me so tightly I thought I might suffocate. Then he cried. Oh diary, he cried. Tears actually left his eyes. This is TJ we're talking about. The man that doesn't know how to cry. I didn't even think he had tear ducts! Let me tell you, he may have been drunk on his way home, but he sobered up real fast when I got there. He told me how sorry he was for everything he had ever done. That he was a loser and an idiot. That there was something wrong with him and he needed professional help. That he missed me. That he missed me so much.
I would have loved to have chucked all this off on the alcohol. I even told him as much. But he assured me he would admit every word sober, and he did so today. It was just the strangest thing. Tj never communicates his emotions with me. Because he doesn't feel anything for me. He's said it too many times for me to count. Whenever we break up and agree to see each other again, it's just something that happens. There's no profession of love or idiocy. We just start hanging out again. This time I was sure we were done for good. I mean, it's been a month! I was convinced he hadn't thought of me once. But apparently he's missed me all along. He said he'd been talking to his friend about me. Telling them how he had to contact me because he couldn't stand missing me anymore. Naturally, they all counseled against it. So he didn't. Until last night. Once again, I'd like to say that this was all because he was drunk, and perhaps that gave him the courage to say all those things, but for the first time ever I felt like he was being sincere with me. It was so surreal to listen to him try to express his emotions. I mean, he cried! I've known him for over three years and not once have I seen him cry or feel any emotion for anything. And then he kept hugging me. Over and over again. Tight hugs as he sobbed into my hair. It was heartbreaking.
But I'm glad he feels these things. I've always been the one of the "feelings" side so it was nice to see him experience what I've experienced. All I've ever wanted was for him to see my worth. to value me the way I value him. I guess it really took me walking away for it to happen.
Of course, it doesn't mean anything right now. I walked away. He pushed so I left. My trust was broken. So I told him he'd have to figure out a way to earn it back. That he had competition for my affection now because he waited so late to realize how wonderful I am. Not to toot my own horn, but I treated him like a king and put up with a lot of bullshit. And now he sees that. But now there's Zach, who is very sweet. And there's Justin whom I'm extremely attracted to.
Of course, we all know I love TJ. We all know I'd give him a chance over these other guys in a heartbeat. I've waited three long years for this to finally happen. But I'm not going to let him know that. I'm going to keep dating these other guys and may the best man win. He's going to have to woo me just like everyone else and I'll just keep my love feelings to myself for a while. I know it's a terrible thing for me to hope TJ wins the game. But I'll at least give the other two a chance.
Zach didn't pay for anything tonight. Not to be super traditional, but it did leave me a little disappointed. Isn't that part of the wooing process? Or maybe that's part of the whoring process. Someone once commented that men expect sex because the pay for the dates. Is that true? Do we give up sex for a nice dinner and some drinks? I certainly did not sleep with Zach so that's something to think about later. Getting off subject!
We'll see what happens. I surely don't want to juggle three guys so I'm going to have to decide quickly. Wish me luck!
scullerymaid at 12:52 a.m.