May 29, 2014

This is it.

I was angry. Not just angry, I was down right pissed. Sarah spent the whole weekend with me and it was just too much exposure. Not exposure to her, but exposure to hearing about TJ and his family and friends. So I snapped. He went to PA for the weekend with his brother and was acting weird again. Maybe he wasn't acting weird. Maybe I was just projecting on him because I was filled with stories from Sarah. But then he got back and I was angry. I was angry at him for telling me one thing but doing another. For telling other people something, but telling me something different. He goes on about how we shouldn't see each other and how much he wants to move on, yet he still constantly finds himself in my company and in my bed and I don't hear any realy complaints. Because he complains to everyone else. And it hurts. It's a betrayal that cuts deep. When I look at him I don't see my ex-boyfriend. It's not like he ever loved me anyway. No, I see a good friend. Someone I've always been able to call when I needed help with something or wanted to go to dinner or was bored. In all this craziness that is my life, he was the most unstable yet most stable element. He's the one that I share all my thoughts with and devote my most valuable time to. But it was all a lie. He said we could be friends, but he didn't really mean it. He can't keep his hands to himself so I'm the one that suffers. I have to deal with his back and forth nature- loving him, forgiving him, giving him his space, helping him with projects. And what does he do? Keeps digging the knife in deeper and I just keep forgiving him.

So I snapped. For months I've been telling him if he wasn't okay with our friendship, he just had to talk to me about it. If he didn't want to see me again, he just had to say so. But he would never say it. Instead, he waits to start acting weird after I've reached my boiling point. He waits until I'm absolutely livid to start communicating properly with me. But then it's too late. I was so angry at everyone. So I made him say the words. I don't know if he wanted to or not. It almost sounded like a joke when he uttered them, but then we ended up arguing so I guess it was real. I made him end things with me forever. No more contact. No more hanging out. No more movies. No more dinners. No more projects. No more nothing. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I hated every second of it. I tried to make him delete my number, too, but stopped at the last moment. When he went to do it I felt so sick I stopped him and left. I was so hurt and upset and sick with emotion that I had to stop and throw up by the side of the house before I could drive away.

I held onto that anger for two days. But now I'm sad. I'm sad and hurt that he could be so cruel. Some of the things he says when we aregue are just mean. And it just upsets me that I'm the one left sad and broken. That I'm the one who cares. I bet he hasn't thought of me once. I just don't understand how I can be so insignificant. I wish he would just get out of my head.

And my new, sweet, affectionate dog has turned into a barking Cujo and I don't know how to correct the behavior. She's great. But no one can approach her without her barking her head off and lunging and now she's gotten into the habit of barking at 6 in the morning at every little noise she hears. My life, folks. This is my life.

I hate being sad. I hate being angry. I hate crying all the time. And I can't beleive it's really over. I know we've broken up in the past and it never really mattered. But I think this time was final. It feels final. It's done.

scullerymaid at 9:39 a.m.

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