January 16, 2014
Day 10
Day 10- Discuss your first love and first kiss
My first kiss was horrible. His name was Alex. He was a few years older than me and thought he was a total badass. You know, the woe is me type. But really, he was just an insecure, depressed little boy that didn't have his shit together. Cling jumps to mind. But that's neither here nor there. Back to the kissing.
He was slow about, which I supposed I could appreciate if he had really been trying to woo me. But I was ready to be kissed, he was older and more experienced, and I was growing ever impatient. So one night I decided to show up at his little hotel apartment and take what I wanted.
He had been drinking alone, which he tended to do. I don't remember what we talked about, but there we were sprawled out on his sofa bed. The kiss lingered between us, a tension that had been building for a while, yet he still made no move to ease it. So I did. And seeing as it was my first kiss, I resented it. I wanted him to take control, teach me, but I was the aggressor.
Oh, it was awful. I didn't know what I was doing, but that wasn't the problem. He kissed like a dog, all slobber and no technique. I didn't like it, but tried again just to make sure, and found myself just as unsatisfied. So I pushed myself off the bed and left. That was the end of Alex for me. A few months later he was secretly shacked up with Artist.
My first love, my first real love for someone, is a bitter story. I've fancied a few boys over the years. There was Peace back in freshman year. I naively thought we would be together forever before we even thought about giving it a go. The fact that nothing ever truly happened between us made me sick to my stomach for weeks. I felt betrayed. He was the first boy to look at me more than just a friend. Then there was Zach, whom I would have loved if he would have just stopped putting me in the corner. Our first date was the only time he took me out. All our other meetings were private, and I grew bored. I had strong feelings for him, but it wasn't love. He chased after me for two years after I walked away from him, and when I finally decided to give him a chance he turned me into a booty call again. So I walked away again. I still think we would've been great together, a team to be reckoned with, but I'm glad we aren't together and he's probably the only lover I can discuss other lovers with. I wish we could be friends, but he doesn't like to talk to me when he's dating. Oh well. No hard feelings with Zach. He was also my first.
But the only boy I have ever deeply loved is TJ. I always come back to TJ. I know he isn't the love of my life. I won't marry him or have his babies or probably even watch him grow old. But I will always love him. Even when I don't love him, I love him. It's not something I can explain. It's completely irrational and a waste of my time, and yet every time I leave I find a way to come back. Something about him keeps me holding on. But that's okay. Because whether I love him or not, even as my first love, I'll walk away from him, too, one day. He's a roller coaster that just hasn't stopped yet.
scullerymaid at 11:19 p.m.