January 10, 2014
Day 05
Day 05- A time you thought about ending your own life
I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. What if I stepped in the road? What if I fell off this bridge? What if i let this knife slip in my hand? But my instinct to survive are far too strong for me to ever truly consider an attempt on my own life. Isn't that what I say all the time- that I'm in survivor mode. That's because I am a survivor and however bleak things appear, I will always believe that life goes on. Things get better. Sometimes darkness tries to chip away at my cheer, but in my very core I'm meant to survive. I'm meant to live. I would never think about ending my own life.
Besides, I think suicide is the ultimate selfish act. It is one moment when you only care for your own being, your own suffering. Maybe it's a moment of weakness. Perhaps it's a moment strong determination. Either way, I still think it is a very selfish thing to do and I refuse to sympathize with such a person who chooses this path. That's rather harsh of me and I'm almost surprised to admit such a thing even to myself, but there's always a way out.
The memories are blurry, but I've watched my mother threaten to strangle herself with a phone cord. I've seen her pick up a knife and press it to her throat. As a little girl there was a time when I lived in fear thinking one day I would come home from school and my mother would no longer be there. Where would that leave me? How could she even imagine leaving me? What would I do without her? Now that I'm an adult, I wonder if in those episode she ever thought of how I would feel. I doubt it. Not because she doesn't love me, but because someone in that state of mind can only bear their own emotion. Which is why I find suicide to be a selfish act; it doesn't affect just the self.
I do have one memory of wishing I would die. I must have been seven. I don't know why I prayed for death, but I remember laying in the middle of my bedroom floor and I wished it upon myself. But even as a kid, it's not something I could ever perform upon myself. I plan to outlive everyone.
scullerymaid at 4:10 p.m.