October 20, 2013
Old wounds
Oh, diary. Today I decided to clean out my car. With moving and laundry and everything else, it was looking a little rough. So there I was chucking things out when I happened upon an old notebook of mine. And when I say old, I mean at least from two years ago. So I flipped it open and read the first page and it left me in tears. See, the entry was about TJ and I back when we first started dating.
I had invited him to my work Christmas party, so he drove out to Newport News to meet all my friends and co-workers. I remember that night specifically because we had to play a game of charades and his ticket was a one man bad...and I had been quite impressed with the little show he put on. Well, at the end of the night things had been awkward. I walked him out to his car, wishing he would stay but too shy to ask, and we said goodbye without so much as a hug and I remember kicking myself with being so tight with my feelings. That's my downfall, isn't it? I never share my feelings until it's too late.
Anyway, the next day he decided to drive to Newport News again to spend the evening with me. We had dinner, bought some wine, and rented a Redbox movie. Later in the evening I asked him why he came back to Newport News to see me. It was out of character. We never spent time in Newport News together. It had always been easier for me to drive over to Norfolk. After I asked, he gave me this dubious look that I know so well now and told me that our goodbye the previous night had been weak and he needed to make it up to me. He drove all the way back to do better.
Diary, no matter what I do I can't shake him. I know we're friends now and it's a good thing. It is, I swear my friendship with him is the best relationship I have in my present life right now, but it's just now fair. Reading those snippets in my notebook (and there are many), I remember every single little moment like this that made me love TJ. I remember the exact moment when I realized that he must really care for me so I decided it was okay to love him. I remember all the shitty situations and all the good things that made me overlook them. Because he did things that made me think he cared, and now my heart is still broken after all this time.
It doesn't seem to matter what I do. Move out. Stop talking to him. Decide to talk to him again. Date other people. Drown myself in work. Go kayaking and paddleboarding. Nothing I do shakes my feelings for him. We've been broken up for a year now and every single day I feel that absence. Friends or no, talking or not, getting excited for dates with other people or spending nights with him instead, all that love is still bottled up inside me and it hurts all the time. It's just not fair that I opened my heart up so much and he decided not to. It's not fair that we have such a great friendship, borderline dating again, but I'm the on that always has all these ridiculous feelings.
It's not fair that I remember all these little moments with such fondness and hope, but they must have always just been false things. I hate that I see him all the time but I miss him so much. I miss the man that made me love him, and hate that I can't seem to let him go.
But it's okay. It is what it is and what happens is what will happen. For now, I'll go back to baking my treats. You know, despite all these cookies I've been making it seems that I've managed to lose ten pounds without knowing it. That's something to smile about at least.
scullerymaid at 3:46 p.m.