August 09, 2013
King Lear
Today things are starting to look up. At least, I hope so anyway. I got a phone call from the credit union (notice I did NOT say bank) and I think my plan to crawl out of debt is going to work. Guess we'll see. At least I'm feeling a little relieved for the moment.
I also got to talk to Popeguy for a bit today. I've been talking to him a lot recently. It helps with the hermit-ness I've been feeling lately with this whole Math/Artisit situation. It reminds me that I do have a friend out there in the great big world that knows me and loves me and understands me and doesn't think I'm overreacting. He's my soulmate for a reason after all...now only if I could find the love of my life haha.
But I'm not all too concerned about that. I think I'm finally dated out. I'm ready to just go with the flow of things. I want to pick up horseback riding and give this MMA thing a shot. I want to paddleboard and stick to a workout routine whether it's in the gym or not. I finally want to just focus on what I want to do and stop worrying about all the relationships in my life, romantic or otherwise.
Today Popeguy and I talked a lot about grad school. For the longest time I dreaded talking to him because I knew he would ask when I was going to start applying to schools. When I was going to stop whatever it is I'm trying to do here and begin my adventure. I hated these talks because I knew I couldn't afford the GRE let alone pass the math section. But I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of tethering myself to people and places that don't matter as much as I think they do. I keep telling myself that I want to be great, that I want to do something great, but that's not going to happen here and the longer I wait the more likely my chance is just going to pass me by. So it's time to get focused, stop worrying about everyone else, and do what I was meant to do. I don't know why I'm so scared to go to school. It's the one thing I've always been great at (minus a few subjects). I want to be great but I'm scared to be great.
I'ts really nice talking to Popeguy. Maybe he sounds a little pushing on the school subject, but really he's just trying to encourage me, push me, get me off my ass. Because that's what soulmates do. They aren't here to sugar coat things. You know, when I first moved to my apartment and started spiraling down into my constant state of denial and depression, I tried not to call him. I didn't want to burden him with the troubles that seem to follow me around. But trouble is a part of life and he's the one friend that I never want to lose. He's my most genuine friend and you don't push them away just because you think you're bothering them. He couldn't bother me if it was his ultimate goal in life and I couldn't bother him and to think otherwise is just me being depressed and silly.
But we're moving away from that now and I'm going to make an effort to check in with him more often.
I'm finally going to look at a house on Saturday. With a roommate and everything. Part of me is sad that I probably won't be living on my own much longer, but it should be for the best. Things always work out somehow, don't they?
I haven't talked to my mom in ages but I heard she was going to California. I used to enjoy calling her and talking, but now I feel like she's too busy with her new life. Or maybe I'm not being patient enough. I should go visit my brother; she hasn't been in awhile.
Tonight I was watching Grey's Anatomy and this rug I've wanted for the longest time from IKEA was in one of the episodes. I absolutely love this rug and want it so bad for my bedroom. But IKEA doesn't carry it anymore and I can't find it anywhere. I don't even know what it's called.
Thinking about grad school reminds me that one day I'll leave TJ for real. That I'll leave this city and leave this state and go off to a new place with new people and we'll probably never talk again. Is it weird that makes me sadder than the potential loss of my friendship with Math. It shouldn't make me sad. Lord knows I don't even understand how the two of us have managed to become friends like we have. But it makes me sad that one day I'll really leave him. It will be a good thing, a healthy thing. Even after everything I can't help but think fondly of him. But that's neither here nor there. I have a lot of planning to do before I can run off to grad school. 25 sounds like a good time for an adventure but it might be 26. Let's be honest.
I can't decide if I want to study anthropology, folklore, Native American studies, or psychology.
scullerymaid at 12:31 a.m.