November 18, 2012
Just some thoughts
And you know what? The only reason I'm freaking out is because getting pregnant in the midst of a breaking up would just really suck. If we were staying together, I don't think it would bother me all that much. If Tj and I were in it for the long haul, it just wouldn't be that big of a deal for me. Especially now that I have a good job. I mean, that's what we always wanted. For me to get a good job so we could combine everything. But that kind of thinking is gone now that he is on his life long bachelor kick. Anyway, no good comes out of that kind of thinking. Tomorrow I'm going to call Planned Parenthood and see what kind of rates I'm looking at.
But while we're talking about TJ, I want to discuss our sleeping arrangements. Per his choice, he now sleeps on the couch. Considering everything else in our relationship is pretty much the same, I think it's stupid. I mean, we're still having sex. He still waits for me to get home to have dinner. He is still having me over at his parents house for all the upcoming holidays. He still drags me along to hang out with his friends. So really, what good does sleeping separately do? What exactly is it proving or accomplishing?
But I guess it's good to get used to sleeping alone, huh?I'm just so tired of wishing, of longing, of wanting.
I know it's because I have my love goggles on, but I can't help but sit across from him and think how cute he is. Of all the guys I've been with, I've never been attracted to them the way I am to him. I'm sure part of it is because we've been together for so long. I mean, I wasn't that attracted to him when we first started dating, remember? But now I find everything about him endearing. Even after all the shit he's done, all I want to do is love him. But once again, that's not the right way of thinking.
I mention all this because Zach has started messaging me again. You know, when I leave TJ I could have Zach in my bed that very night and probably be my boyfriend the next day. But when I look at TJ and think about Zach...all I want is TJ and that just wouldn't be fair to Zach. You know, Zach would be faithful and he would give me the queen treatment and I would feel safe with him and yet I'd still choose TJ. Does that go back to the whole girls always choose bad boys? And how the hell did TJ become the bad boy? That's a funny thought.
The other day someone asked me if I would remain friends with TJ after all this is said and done. Honestly, I can't make up my mind. A part of me wants to say yes. Why not? Despite everything, he has had his good moments. He did provide this home for me and has kept me here this long even though he decided he didn't want to be together anymore. I am thankful that he didn't put me out on the street. Maybe we could transition to a FWB type thing since the sex is so good now. But the another part of me cringes at the idea of every seeing him again. That part of me just wants to pick up and leave one day without a word and not tell him where I am.
scullerymaid at 10:21 p.m.