November 09, 2012

What makes a happy person

I wish my brain would turn off. One day I'm upset, the next day I don't care, and then the following day I'm left in this in between state of being angry and not being angry. Is it strange that TJ isn't even the person I'm angry with? I've known TJ long enough to figure out what kind of person he is, how he works, what he thinks. That doesn't mean that I regret loving him or don't still view him with a dash of fuzzy warm feelings, but at the same time I don't carry the same respect that I once held for him. So when he does things to mess up now, it's not anger I feel but pity. Pity on him because I don't think he will ever be happy. Pity on him because he doesn't know what it means to love someone. Pity on him for living in this limbotic cycle where he never grows and matures. How many times since being with him have I felt like we should be in high school? So it's hard for me to be angry with him. Instead, I'm appalled at the situation. I'm angered by outside parties who choose to get involved and then make our whole situation worse. I'm tired of people saying one thing then whispering something else because they think you can't hear.

Do you know what I think is the funniest part of everything that has happened? My friends aren't the ones that come around and tell me such and such has happened. Everything I find out, I learn from TJ's friends. Or from the friends of the people who keep trying to weasel their way in.

At least when I leave it will be because everyone wanted to look out for me. As shallow as it may come off as, I keep thinking about my reputation. What do these people think of me now that I'm just going to be the ex? Does he tell them things that aren't true? Has he painted me to be some witch creature ruining his life?

But the truth is, I did everything right. I keep trying to find some point where I must have messed up. Where I must have done something wrong to push him away. But honestly, I couldn't have done anything differently. I never crowded him. I gave him more space than any boyfriend has a right to have. I charmed his family and became best buddies with his friends. I cooked and cleaned and did the work that he hated doing. But most of all, I gave him all my love. I loved him freely and trusted him and always put his wants above my own. I made him laugh and listened to his stories and gave him my opinion if he asked for it.

I was a kick-ass girlfriend. Seriously, I keep looking for mistakes I made but the only thing that I did wrong was to agree to move in...and I would probably say yes all over again. I've learned what I'm made of and how much I can withstand before breaking. I've also learned what a likable person I am. Growing up I was shy and painfully quiet, which always made me feel like it was hard to make friends. But everyone loves me. I'm warm and friendly and personable and happy.

I'm a happy person. Even through all this, I'm still happy with myself. From the first day I met him, TJ has told me how unhappy he was. He's still unhappy and I have to remember that his unhappiness has nothing to do with me. I can't keep asking myself what I did wrong. It was him. He was the one that pushed and pushed and pushed. He is the one that doesn't know how to give of himself to someone.

Sometimes I sit back and think about how much I wanted to be here. How much I loved him and invested myself in this relationship. There are moments when those feelings come rushing back with glimmers of hope. But at the same time I can't wait to put all this behind me. To start fresh, get a new place, and find someone worth loving. It can't be that hard to find someone who has as much love and happiness to off you as you do them, can it?

What do I know? I'm the girl who held onto strands of false hope. But I'm still a happy person. If anything, I have that.

scullerymaid at 2:45 p.m.

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