October 28, 2012
Endings
Tonight I broke up with TJ. I think I did the break, though he certainly initiated it. I just made it official and freed him of me. I can't stop crying, I know it's ridiculous. I know there's someone better out there for me. Tj has been such an ass for the past month. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less. He was so cold to me tonight. I don't understand how someone can be so piercing to another human being., especially to someone that's supposed to be...
No, he never loved me so I guess it's easy for him to be so stony. I don't matter to him one smidgen so I guess the best way to drill that into my head is to be mean. To be uncompromising. To make all his unhappiness my fault.
I just wanted him to explain to me why he's so unhappy. I know it can be a complex question. But I just wanted to sit down and talk about. Or stand in the street at 3:30 in the morning and talk about it anyway. I just want to understand what went wrong for him. The only reason I was unhappy (aside from being unable to find a job) was because I could feel his unhappiness. His unhappiness made me so sad and I tried so hard to make him happy. But clearly it wasn't enough because apparently now he finds me unattractive, uninteresting, and thinks I'm always up his ass. He said it just wore off, but he can't explain that to me at all. It wore off, it wore off. That was his only refrain for me.
Perhaps I'm silly for wanting some kind of definite answer. Can there ever really be a definite answer for why someone decides they don't want to love you, that they are no longer interested?
I don't know why I'm so upset. TJ had more dick moments than winning boyfriend moments. Even his friends tonight told me that he was an ass and I could do better. Yet here I cry. I guess I just can't get over that fact that he doesn't care one bit. I can understand not wanting to be with someone. I can understand that something isn't quite right. But not to care at all about someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long? How do you just cut someone out like that? I wish I knew the secret to that trick. It would serve me well right now.
All I want to do is hate TJ. After all this, all the heartache and tears and stringing along he's caused and done, I would love to hate him. But all I do is love him. Even when I hate him I love him and want him to love me. But he doesn't love me. He never has, he never will, and I need to just rid myself of these ridiculous tears.
it should have been over a long time ago. It's over now and there's no reason for me to hold on. I guess I'm just going to miss this life we built together. This house. These friendships.
But it's over. Done.
scullerymaid at 3:49 a.m.