October 25, 2012

Midnight musings

I know it's ridiculous, but I've been thinking. Maybe I could move in with Thomas. Yeah, that's right. Thomas as in TJ's brother Thomas that lives only four streets away. He's looking for a roommate and the rent would be cheap and all inclusive. I just couldn't get a cat because he is allergic, but he might let me have a dog. His last roommate had a boxer if I'm not mistaken. There is the matter that his spare room is furnished, but perhaps he'd let me bring my own. During the week it would be great with very few chances of me running into TJ. The weekends might be difficult in that respect, but I could always escape to Math's or find something productive and distracting to do. And Thomas is a nice guy. We get along well enough and I think we'd also stay out of each other's hair.

It's just every time I think about moving my stomach coils. This place is my home and has felt more like home than any place I've ever lived. The thought of moving out makes me feel like I'm going to be physically sick. And as much as I love TJ, I think it has more to do with being all alone than leaving him as pathetic as that sounds. I know right now I'm supposed to be thinking about cutting all this out of my life and putting it behind me, but I've always been one to cling to some semblance of familiarity and Thomas is a friendly face. Speaking on a more practical level, staying in this area keeps me close to work (which is a major plus) and living with him would save me a lot of money every month. Oh, and I'd still live in a nice house.

It's still going to be a decent chunk of time though before I move out of TJ's house, but I already miss it. I miss everything so much. I really do feel like I'm going to hurl up my dinner.

I hate insomnia. I wish I was one of those people that fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, but unless I'm exhausted, I can lay in bed for hours on end with my mind whirling. Which is why I have to make entries after midnight; my brain won't shut up and leave me be.

Maybe it would be nice to live alone, though. I wish I had the answers. I wish my chest didn't hurt so much. I wish TJ saw in us what I saw. I wish all my friends weren't so far away. I wish I had stuck to the original plan a few years ago and went off to Montana after college. Or moved to Richmond with SB. Instead I decided I wanted to fall in love so I stayed. Would that I never felt this way again.

Where is Puck and Oberon when a girl has need of them?

scullerymaid at 11:54 p.m.

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