October 14, 2012
Prattle at every end
Why can't I have you?
Silence
Like honestly, I'll give you all I can give. I promise.
You know I have a boyfriend and I live with him. Besides, when we were together you never made it seem like you wanted anything more than sex. That's what I thought we had...
I want you more than that. Seriously, Tiger Lily.
Then why did you wait so long to tell me? I would have waited for you while you were deployed.
I was scared. Shit was crazy.
Silence.
What did I do wrong?
I don't know. It might just be too late...
he was probably drunk when he started texting me. At least, part of me hopes he was drunk and that's all it was. Drunken prattle. But I know it's more than that. After all, he's been contacting me for a good eleven months. Let's get coffee. Let's grab drinks. How about we catch a movie. I want to see you. And every time my answer is the same. I have a boyfriend. It would be a bad idea. I don't want one thing to lead to another. I for one am faithful when committed.
I'm not sure how I feel about all this anyway. Last time I check, Zach didn't want a girlfriend. So why is he so persistent? I believe the last time we spoke on the subject his exact words were I just want to do me right now. Live big. Yet two, three times a month he wants to know if I'm still dating my dude. And now he's flat out telling me he wants to be with me.
There was a time when I would've said yes. You guys remember my Zach period. He was my first everything and I was crazy about him. Then out of the blue he disappeared. Stood me up for dinner and I felt so ridiculous. But I gave him a second chance anyway, only this time I held back. Clearly he wasn't serious so there was no reason I should be. I had my fun and he was always there in the background if I got a little too close to the fire. Then I met TJ and he was being deployed anyway.
Things with TJ and I are rough and I suppose we won't be together forever as I hoped, but at the moment I can't even imagine not being with him let alone being with someone else. Zach doesn't understand that. In his opinion, I should just leave and go be with him instead. Because he'll treat me like a queen. I'm sure he would. I'm sure he would give me the affection TJ doesn't know how to give. But I don't know if I could ever be with Zach again. I loved him once, in some way at least, but a lot has changed since then. I don't know if I would be willing to go down that road even if I wasn't with TJ.
Boys are all so complicated. The good ones, the bad, and the ones that don't know anything.
I think in the end, I'd rather have a fresh start with someone new. But until then, I'm still holding onto what I already have
scullerymaid at 2:45 p.m.