August 23, 2012
To shut it off
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm headed down the path of depression. You know why? Because every single day I get to stew alone in this house with my thoughts. I get to remind myself constantly how alone I feel. How the only time I get to interact with anyone that cares about my thoughts is on the weekends, and that's just if I'm lucky. The rest of the week the only human interaction I get is with a man that greets the cat before he looks at me. A man that pretends to care for me and pulls away whenever I try to reach out. He plays with the cat, pampers the cat, loves the cat while I cook him dinner and clean his house and try to do anything that would make him happy.
But my spaghetti is too hard. The noodles aren't chopped up. I burn the french toast. The chicken should have a crisper skin. I ride the lawn mower too fast.
I'm slowly driving myself insane and when I tell him that all I have to do is to stew all day with my thoughts, he tells me to stew some more and walks out the door. I'm sure he already thinks I'm crazy. I mean, he came home today and I was immediately grumpy for no reason. You know, except for the fact that I'm jealous of a cat and know how ridiculous it is to be jealous of a fucking cat. Nope, I'm just the crazy girl who doesn't have a handle on her emotions and therefore just randomly lashed out all the time. That's all I am. Crazy.
All I want is for him to interact with me like he does everyone else. I don't need his love. I've given up on that. But if I'm feeling low, he could try to comfort me. Joke with me, play with me, just tell me about his day, anything to get me out of my own head because I know most of what I'm feeling is not how I really feel. It's just the loneliness trying to take over.
I see the man that I love every single day and I've never felt so alone in my life.
Maybe it is me. Maybe there's just something wrong with me, something appalling. I mean, I screw everything up anyway, why did I think that some guy would actually want to be with me. All I ever was to anyone was just a booty call. I don't know why I believed TJ was different. Only he'd probably rather not get in my pants the way he rejects me sometimes.
Why the fuck did he ever bring me here? It's not fair. If he knew all along he wasn't relationship material, then why drag me into a relationship? Why ask me to move in? Why make me love him? And finally, why make me feel like he hates me.
Whenever I tell him he hates me, he doesn't understand why I think that. It's all the little things. Those are the things that drive a person mad.
I know. I think I'm losing my grip on reality. I'm just feeling way too much and I wish to the world that I could shut it off.
Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think it's a little too heavy just to be my average rant
scullerymaid at 7:51 p.m.