June 12, 2012
Deserving
For a little over a week now I feel like TJ and my mojo has been off. Perhaps it was me. Perhaps it was him. Either way, our failing chemistry conjured all kinds of fantasies in my head. Like sneaking off in the middle of the night and hitchhiking to the wilderness. Or waiting for him to go off to work then packing all my stuff up and leaving before he returned, never to be seen again. My favorite scenario was bumping into a Thor-like figure at the grocery store and being carried off to Australia to live the rest of my days on a beautiful farm.
Alas, none of these things actually happened. Instead, I made my disgruntledness known. I mumbled little snide comments about our ridiculous relationship, about how I was in love and all he did was push me away while simultaneously stringing me along. I cursed him for bringing me into his life, for being too much of a coward to end things if he didn't care for me. I frequently told him to stop pretending and refused his morning and afternoon kisses. My heart was trying to go ahead and break and get it over with.
Now, all this wasn't as dramatic as it sounds. It was all done rather quietly and quite discreetly. Half of it was probably in my head. But the thing about TJ is he only "loves" me after I'm pissed beyond reason. I guess something about me not being able to stand to be in the same room as him begins to stir his heart cockles. Then aside from being down right pissed, I'm also being constantly harassed by an annoying little twig that won't leave me alone.
But somehow it works. Yesterday, for one reason or another, he did something to warrant my do-not-fucking-touch-me face. We were on the couch watching tv and next thing you know, I'm smoldering. And that's when he decides to turn into a funny guy, tickling me, kissing me, seducing me. Then after, he talks me into going outside and teaches me how to ride the dirt bike. Later in bed, we talk about random things as my eyelids struggle to stay open and I feel absolutely content.
I really abhor that content feeling because more likely than not it's just a lie waiting to be discovered. It's more of his pretending coupled with more of my actually feeling.
You know, I fell for TJ pretty early on. Even with our differences, I loved him and wanted to be with him. It was challenging, still is, but I thought he was most definitely worth it. Right now, after a little more than a year, I'm not sure how exactly I feel. I know I love him, but I fear that love is beginning to morph as my patience begins to give. I can't imagine leaving TJ, fantasies aside, but I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way. He needs to learn to open up to me, to be affectionate when I'm happy and not just when I'm angry. Otherwise, one day he will come home to an empty house and I won't lose sleep over no goodbye.
But for now my heart is still in the fight. Sarah, Torey's ex/on again gf told me that this is just the way the brothers are. I think it's bs, but I can see what she's talking about. They lead us on, push us away, then bring us back with their charm. She and Torey have had their issues for five years now. Finally, it seem like he's coming around according to her. I'm not sure if I can wait for five years. But at the moment, I do have a nice home here that I don't want to give up. I really do hope TJ comes around one day. I think I do anyway. I know that if I left I'd fall in love again eventually with someone else. The thing is, I would really like there not to be a someone else. Only, I'm beginning to wonder if he deserves my love. I'm too good to him
scullerymaid at 11:03 a.m.