April 15, 2012
Spaces and deleates
Well, here it is. I wrote it first in the form of a letter and am now deciding to post it here. I didn't feel like changing names and since none of my friends have found my diary for as long as I have been blogging and think it's time to stop being so damn paranoid. Aimee=Artist. Allison=Math. Loddidadada hahaha
My dearest Cherish,
I'm angry. No, anger is not the appropriate emotion I am feeling. Perhaps it would be better to say I am experiencing this sense of hopelessness, a loss in trust and faith. I can't truly describe how I
feel because I myself am not quite sure, quite undecided as it is. If
anything, I suppose I feel torn. Part of me wants to leave, to walk out the door stone-cold and never look back. Another part of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of my days on this earth. The final part of me would rather just shrug and not worry about silly things that happen on drunken nights and just happily move on.
Before I begin the tale of my current emotional upheaval, some background info in is order. Last week was Thomas' birthday. Thomas is TJ's older brother and being a decently devout Catholic (and part-time alcoholic), he decided to give up drinking for Lent...which means we pushed his birthday shenanigans to this weekend. We pick Friday as our party night and I invited the twins because I knew I would have more fun if they were there and I haven't seen them in a very long time
thanks to our opposite schedules. There's nothing like getting crunk
with your girls and giving the guys a show haha. All in all, it was a pretty good night, but Aimee and I decided to walk back to my place from Thomas' a little early. One of the guys in attendance was getting a little frisky with her. When I gently reminded her she had a boyfriend, she asked me to take her home. With all the kissing going on I was feeling a little begrudged so agreed. Allison, Torey (Tj's younger brother), and TJ weren't far behind. When they walked though
the house, Aimee was pretty much passed out on the floor and ready for bed but the rest of us decided to chill on the couch for a little bit.And for some reason lost upon me, Allison decided that would be a good time to give everyone massages. This really isn't unnatural behavior for her, but considering the company she was in (me, my boyfriend, my boyfriend's bother, and her freaking sister), I felt like she should have kept her hands to herself. Back at the party it would have been one thing, but here, it was borderline inappropriate. But I also felt I was overreacting in my drunken haze and kept my worry to myself. She began with Torey, where I wish with all my might she had stayed, then moved to me. When she got to TJ, she decided to
sit behind him so he was between her legs. She could've wrapped her legs around his waist if she had chosen to. My senses went on alert but I chucked it up to possessiveness and continued the conversation we were all having.I mean, this is one of my best friends we're talking about who has every intention of marrying her current
boyfriend. What did I need to be worried about? Oh yeah, and I was
sitting right next to them. No need to be paranoid. Then TJ discovered
that Allison had never seen the upstairs of the house and jumped up to
give her a tour.No biggie. But on their way down they paused on the stairwell and I yelled up for Allison to come back down, but I didn't think too much of it.
When Allison was ready to drive to her boyfriend's apartment just over in Va Beach, I walked her out to her car where she proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend needed to learn to keep his hands to himself because he was feeling her up on the couch and got grabby in the attic. Then she told me to be easy on him because we had all been
drinking. I sent her on her way before she could see me cry. I tried to collect myself and went back into the house. But somewhere between walking from the driveway and into the kitchen something inside me snapped and suddenly I was volcanic. Since Torey was staying the night with us, I tried to contain myself but then TJ kept trying to joke with me and I'm sorry to say my volcano had a mini explosion. I wasn't too monstrous, but it was obvious that I was super pissed. Thankfully, Torey politely excused himself (after I apologized that he was about to hear me do some yelling- he's a smart kid and figured out what was
going on). Aimee was still passed out on the floor and she's seen me pretty angry before so I wasn't too worried. I've only been so angry maybe four times in my life, a couple of which had ruined a friendship or two. When I get angry, I get angry, which is why I prefer my perfect bottling technique to deal with the frustrations of my life.
But my blood was boiling. I couldn't think, I couldn't rationalize, I
could only feel the heat in my face and the rage shaking through my body.
When I confronted TJ and told him what Allison had said, he denied everything and our conversation went that way for at least an hour. It wasn't really much of a conversation. It was even much of an argument really. It was mostly me talking/yelling/crying and him just asking if he could go to bed and assuring me that he didn't do anything and wasn't even attracted to Allison. Eventually I settled down without him confessing to anything. I felt confused and didn't know what to do. Who was I supposed to believe? One of my best friend who I have known since high school, even though she is a known flirt and was going around giving people "nonsexual massaged." Or my boyfriend who has given me a wonderful home, but has intimacy/commitment issues. Tj doesn't strike me as a liar or cheater, but Allison wouldn't just say something like that, would she? But he was pretty drunk so maybe he really didn't realize what he was doing or maybe she misinterpreted a situation. The truth is I will never know as long as I shall live. Not exactly a comforting thought while I was drunk, confused, and hurt. It may sound terrible, but in all honesty I blame Allison for the whole thing. I blame her for flirting and not understand the meaning of boundaries no matter how great of friends we are. How about I go feel up and straddle her boyfriend in a "nonsexual" manner. I'm angry with
TJ, yes. I'm angry at him for being drunk and for not admitting anything and just for the whole situation in general. But the truth is, I'm furious with Allison.
I wrote this to you yesterday afternoon and since have had plenty of time to dwell on it, and a whole day spent with TJ trying to cheer me up. For the most part, I'm pretty sure whatever happened was nothing more than a drunken fumble not worthy of being called a fondle. In the end, it's just a silly thing that happened on a wild night and frankly
I was embarrassed to be part of it. But I've cooled down and have been screening Allison's called to help temper my temper. Last night I actually has one of the most memorable moments I've had with TJ. We were laying in bed just talking in the dark. About what, I don't know but my phone went off and it was Allison so I put it back down. Then I made some snarly comment because I didn't feel like thinking about her at the time. TJ turned to me and said he might have done what was said but he didn't remember. I told him I knew he was drunk and really blamed her more than I did him. After all, if he was indeed touching her on the couch, why the hell would she let him lead her upstairs. She could have taken care of that situation a little more better than she did, especially since she was as sober as she claimed. Flirtatious bitch (I'm still a little testy about the whole thing if you can't
tell!). After that I teared up a little bit because I guess I was glad he said something about it. But he thought I was getting angry all over again and told me he was not going to have angry sex with me which made me laugh. Then we continued our nice conversation with some touching thrown into the mix and I'll leave the rest to imagination.
Now that we've actually talked about it, I'm not angry with Tj anymore
and I think I'm just uber disappointed with Allison. A couple good things that came out of this is he told me he didn't want me to leave. And he officially out loud called me his girlfriend, something I've been needing to hear for awhile no matter how silly it may seem. He still has his emotional "issues" and tells me I should stop putting expectations on our future, but I feel like we've made some pretty
good progress in one tiny weekend and if I've stuck around this long, I'm pretty sure I can wait a little longer for him to figure out his emotional block.
scullerymaid at 6:44 p.m.