January 12, 2012
Rent, food, love
Is it better to pay rent or to eat? I'm not sure there's a proper answer to that questions. The pros and cons could go on forever. It seems to me i work all the time, and yet my money always seems to be dwindling. Of course, I have no one but myself to blame. If I'd suck it up and find a better job I wouldn't have to worry about money quite as much, now would I? I wouldn't have to worry about medical bills or rent or groceries or if my grandma is going to pay off my loans or not like she said. It wouldn't matter if I moved in or didn't move in with TJ because I'd be able to support yself just fine. All the troubles I have are my own doing so there's really no point in complaining.
It's past 3 and I haven't eaten yet. On days that I don't work, I don't eat. That's one of the reasons I do like working in a restaurant. It's hard to go hungry for long. And I work tonight so I'm bound to put something in my belly. I also eat when I'm with TJ.
TJ, TJ, TJ. I never know what to think of him. Every time he sets my heart flying, he finds a way to bring it back down again. Up down up down, is this really what my heart has chosen? Perhaps hearts lead us astray. Yesterday a rather fine looking man came into Panera and it took all my consentration not to drool all over him. Truth be told, he looked rather like TJ, only a little taller and he filled his skin a lot better than TJ does. I found myself thinking all it would take is one word, one smile, one look and he could be mine and I could leave TJ behind with his useless heart that never seems to know what it wants. One phone call and I could go back to my old ways and have a new boy before my shift is up tonight. It would be so easy. I could leave this heartache to the dogs and put my heart back in a box where it belongs, untouched, unhurt.
It would be so easy to turn away from all this, but I stay. I stay because I don't care if TJ is nothing but skin and bones. I don't care if he's my same height. I don't care if he's sometimes just as hesitant as I can be. I don't care if we don't seem as affectionate as other couples. All I care about is being with him, as strange a notion as it is. I don't know how my feelings grew as such, but nonetheless that's the way they are. Sure, feeligns can change. I've been around long enough to know that. I even know that you can get over feelings. It might hurt, but it's possible. But right now all I seem to want is him.
For someone that always seems so hesitant to be with me, I sure have become his right hand. Who does he call when things are amiss? Who does he share his excitements and disappointments with? Who does he invite over for dinner and for holidays and all that other nonsense. When you look in his phone, my number is the one you find. That extra toothbrush on his sink is mine and that nightie on his dresser is mine. I may be the one with the feelings, the stubborn one, but the ball has always been in his court and he keeps inviting me to play instead of finder other players.
So why is he so hesitant I wonder, even after all this time. Maybe he has cold feet too. Maybe he wants to take that invitation back. Seeing eachother all the time and living together are two very different things. Maybe that's what this sudden hesitancy is about. Lord knows I was hesitant and frightened too and still am. It's a big step. But I'll win him over eventually. And if not, I'll figure out some way to afford to go to Montana and live my days out in the wilderness.
scullerymaid at 3:04 p.m.