November 30, 2011
Bitch
Friendship. I don't know when friendship became so important to me. Lord knows growing up I didn't have all that much time for friends. Between moving around like nomads, hospital visits, and babysitting the little brother, I was pretty much a loner growing up. Even in high school when I had more freedom I still wasn't much for hanging out. Maybe a movie here and there but otherwise I didn't much care enough for anyone to be "real" friends with them. Then I met Popeguy and some switch went off in my head and I became utterly and comepletely committed to him...right after I stoppted hanging out wit Lawrence (I don't remember his nickname on here any more but he was pretty much my best friend until I stated feeling like I was paying his way too frequently and he was the one with a job). That was 11th grade. Of course, I had know Popeguy for all of high school, but 11th grade is when we began talking. In 12th grade I suppose we hung out a little, then in college we became inseparable. Until he got his little pansy of a boyfriend. That caused a lot of problems. Then he went off the Argentina and Quebec and I was left all alone again. But by this time the girl had joined our duo. I guess it was easier for familiar faces to stick with familiar faces since we had all hailed from Matoaca to Newport News. They were there for me when Popeguy wasn't, though I can't quite share my inner self with them in the same manner that I do with him. But either way, I formed a deep loyalty to all of them, placing our circle of friendship above all else.
But I always seem to be left disappointed. I feel like I try so hard to keep us together, to make sure whoever is fighting gets over it and whoever needs comfort receives it. I plan dinners and holidays and allow myself to be dragged to events I'd rather not go to all for the sake of friendship. And in turn, I'm not this loner girl who would rather go shopping alone than go to a crowded tree lighting. Through these people I call my friends I learned to rely on other people and love...and not live in a fantasy book world. But what do they do? They cancel dinners and blow us off for boyfriends and lovers or pretend like they're going to study. I feel like I put in this effort sometimes, but why bother when in a few months it might just all crumble? Maybe friendships aren't meant to last forever. Maybe you have your elementary friends and your middle school friends and your high school friends and they are all different people. Perhas college friends are meant to be left behind at college and now carried on into life. I don't know. It's not something I like to think about and tomorrow I'll probably be more optimistic again, but yesterday was a big hurt for me that left me tearing up for the rest of the day like a blubbering fool.
Lunch was nice. We went to this Japanese place and it was very modern and chic. Of course, Artist backed out so it was just Popeguy, Math, and I. Things started off fine. Then Popeguy mentioned how he wants a new peircing. I told him I had been playing around with the idea ad really liked the monroe. And he told me that he didn't like them because they were slutty. Okay. This is the guy with an eyebrow ring. This is the guy that has his nipple pierced. This is the guy who now wants to get his bose peirced, but my monroe would be slutty. Seriously, seriosly?! He was the last person I ever expected to say that. He claimes how open minded he is and how he shuns stereotypes and then he was going to go off and say that. Then, being the fucking scholar that he is, he went on to say how symbolicly the monroe gives off certain conotations and some other such bullshit. I asked him if he felt the same way about the labret, and with Math as my witness, he said yes. So we argued about it and now 5 mintues later he goes on about how he never said the labret was slutty, just the monroe. So asked Math if he did not just say all those facial pericings were slutty and she said yes and he STILL argues that he didn't and I needed to get my facts striaght and this is exactl why I hate arguing with him because I always end up being the bad guy when he was the one in the wrong. It's not even that I don't agree with these symbolic notions he's talking about, it's just...a year ago he wanted a lip ring and suddenly they are all slutty. And he basically told me he didn't say what he said and I was a liar. So I settled down and made some snarky remark about how I'm not the scholar of the group and he called me a bitch.
Throughout the years, Popeguy and I have argued at least 6 times a week, but he has never ever called me a bitch in that kind of setting and I was taken so by surprise on the way back to campus I sat in the backseat so I could cry silently without either of them noticing. I know he doesn't know how much that hurt me. All these years I've been difficult and stobborn and argumentative, sure, but I always give in and lt him win. And I support him with all his crazy ideas and even bit my tongue on numerous occasions when he would bring that stupid bf of his to my friendship dinners. When he gave me that ultimatum, I swalloed my temper because he was my best friend and we were in life together through thick and thin. But I think my rope is wearing too thin with all these disappointments. My heart is only so strong. I know that right now I'm just ranting, but maybe going off with him to grad school is a bad idea. The more into academia he digs himself, the colder and more analytical he becomes, though he claims to be more open through his knowledge. But the truth is, he doesn't know how to feel. He only knows how to read words and theory and apply that to his every day relationships. I am not a theory.
But maybe I am a bitch. His was the third argument with someone I got into in a three day period- the third time I was called bitchy. So maybe I should revert back to that loner girl who didn't care enough to build lasting friendships. I'm a nomad at heart, right, a restless soul not meant to settle down with roots as hard as I try to create them. When all this is said or done and all my bills are caught up, perhaps I'll find some odd way of making money and hop in my car and live on the road. Who needs people when you can have wilderness? Or maybe I am only capable of being committed to one person at a time. Once it was Popeguy, perhaps slowly TJ is taking his place.
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but he's in Texas and New Mexico for the week traveling for his job. He called me last night to tell me he was about two hours from Roswell. I guess he was so excited to be so near the aliends he stopped texting me to make the call. We'd been texting all day but I guess that news deserved a call and when I answered he went on to describe how the landscape was like an old western movie. It was good to har his voice and listen about his work. Tj and I don't make many phone calls. I'm not much for talking anyway, but I think the real reason we don't call us because I get so excited I start talking a mile a minute and he can't understand a lick of what I say. I must have paused every 30 seconds to slow down and repeat what I had said last night. Then today he sent me a pic of his finger. He pinched it in the equipment he was installing. Gnarly stuff there. You see, diary? Does he really expect me not to fall for him with how we behave? Maybe we aren't the most passionate couple, but we could have a good life together. But that's not for thinking about today. Or tomorrow. But maybe one day we'll think about the long future. Maybe I don't know that much about how guys works, but if I was just stringing someone along I wouldn't put this much effor into it. I wouldn't call or text or bring them home for dinner and let them meet all my friends and family or wine and dine them. It would just be a night here and a night there and a few dinners and that's it. Generally, because I'm so picky about the people I give my time too, my intuition isn't wrong and mine keeps telling me to stay with him. I don't mind waiting for him to warm up because I just think he's in denial anyway about how he feels. Well, I think he's scared to be with someone. I can work with fear. I wonder, if we make the long haul, if on our wedding day he'll still tell me he doesn't want anything seriosu. Though he he calls this casual, I can't imagine what he calls serious! But I'm not too worried, though I write about our relatonship often enough. The two of us together will be tough, but that's part of the fun, isn't it? Or maybe he'll just be the next chapter of my life now that Popeguy is such a stupid face. Life hasn't many chapters.
At Thanksgiving my mom told me she thought I would end up with Zach and not TJ. I don't really understand this logic. Zach was the guy that would steal me off into the night a few times a week and bring me back before the sun was up. We never went out on dates or did anything together that wasn't less than physical. A movie and video games in his room doesn't count as a date. We were like phantoms that came in the night only for each other to see and no one else. that wasn't a realtionship. It was a convenience. I suppose she didn't think I would be with TJ because I was so hesitant those first few weeks. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not and always waited until the last minute to go out with him. But we went out. We had dinner, went to movies, met people, went to parties, got to know one another. We invested time and effort as he once put it. So why would I not end up with him when having to choose between the two. It makes no sence.
I won't be seeing him until saturday. I can't wait for him to come back. I didn't think I would miss him this much, but then again it might just be the fact it's been a rough week and being with him has always been an escape from my life. At least Toby is staying with me while he's gone. Pets are a great comfort. I really miss the spellcheck on my computer...
scullerymaid at 2:52 p.m.