November 17, 2011
Fuck you
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not in a love bubble, that I don't love TJ and he was only supposed to be my temporary fix until I bounced to the next guy. That was my mo, right? Going from guy to guy, sometimes liking them and playing around with the idea of love, most times just moving along after I was done. So then, what was so great about TJ to stop me in my tracks? Perhaps it wasn't TJ himself but the fact that I was tired of bouncing around. Instead of 10 guys, I wanted just one.
Only I chose the wrong one! Out of all the guys I've dated, I had to settle on the one that's a committment phobe and terrified of being tied down. It boggles me so. We've been dating monogamously for seven months- my fist monogamous relationship, mind you- and he acts as if he's some tom cat that has dates lined up. If anyone is the player in this relationship, it would definitely be me. We've already talked about our experiences, and depite the age difference, I've been around the block a lot more than he has. So I really don't know what his fear is. If he actually had other people in mind to go out with, I could understand. But he doesn't. Yet being in a relationship spells the end of the workd for him. He won't even try to open his heart up.
It's really not fair. He's the one that invites me over, introduces me to his friends and family, takes me out and wants to do things together, but I'm the one developing the fucking emotions. Why can't he be the one on love? Why did it have to be me...
As much as I would like to think otherwise, I know one day TJ and I will be no more. I can't love someone that refuses to love back. Where I've made him into my lover, he's trying to turn me into his best friend and after where we've been, I can't regress to that kind of relationship. So I'm still left wondering what he really wants with me. It just makes no sense. Last night we had this conversation, the one I've been dreading, and he said he didn't want to lead me on any further, that he didn't want things to be serious. But the problem is things are already serious! So I don't know what he's talking about.
Either way I don't care. I care and it hurts, but at the same time I know tomorrow he's just going to invite me over again and I'm going to go. One day I'll leave, diary, but that day is not tomorrow. I don't know when that day will come and I hate for it to come in the first place, but it's not tomorrow and I'll kick his ass if I have to. Why is it some days he's so loving and others he makes me feel so alone? What is so bad about caring for someone or having someone care for you? It sucks, but it's oh so wonderful too!
Maybe I should just call Zach up and see if he can get me out of my love rut. God know TJ probably would care if I slept around. But the thing is...I care. I've been there, done that, and I'm tired of it.
So where do I go from here? I have no desire to date anyone else seriously and become attached like this. Perhaps I'll hop in my car and go to Montana after all and leave this all behind.
scullerymaid at 11:34 a.m.