October 06, 2011

If the stars fell out of the sky

Something has changes, but I don't know exactly what that change is or quite when it took place. I can't for the life of me put my finger on it, but it's there, diary. The change is there and it gives me hope and that hope I'm beginning to feel above all else scares the shit out of me.

Tj invited me over last night. IT was completely unexpected since I just saw him the day before. I didn't expect to talk to him for another couple days let alone see him. Perhaps Sunday would have resumed our communication. But he asked me to hang out (for probably the seventh time in just as many days- granted I declined most of those invites). He was at Thomas' house so after I got off work I headed over there with a 12 pack. They had converted the garage into a mad house- strobe light and fog machine- and the four of them were drinking and playing pool. There was an overload of fog anf I was nervous that my asthma wouldn't be able to handle it, so I lounged on the couch near the back of the garage. TJ kept coming over and playing with my hair or touching my cheek or patting my leg. At one point, he even kissed me for all to see. Later that night, he grabbed hold of me and swung me around the floor in a dance. It's been a long time since I've danced with anyone, especially a slow dance such as that. It was kinda maybe rather romantic.

Of course, half the night he was bombarding me with questions about where I work, attempting guess after guess, but I refused to give him any hints. I'm surprised he hasn't hit the nail on the head yet, but then again I've been very noncommital in my answers. He doesn't understand why I won't just tell him. Truth is, I don't understand my secrecy all that much either. He has this notion that my job makes me feel inferior and I'm embarrassed to tell him because I think he'll look down on me. I think it's more of a desire not to share details of my life with him anymore unless they truly matter to him. He assured me he wanted to know out of concern for my health, wealth, and well-being. I wanted to tell him that it was my heart he should take care with, but bit my tongue and refrained.

When we returned home, he kept playing dead, drunk, and tired and fell out on the dining room floor. I helped undress him while he kissed me some more. As I did so, he complained that he was too skinny for me to undress and I countered that I was chubby for which he replied that my weight was closer to a normal size than his was. I doubt that, but I'm glad he doesn't think I'm a hippo because that's how I feel half the time (though I admit, some of those thoughts are delusions of the past me and not the present me). Still, I was shocked that he continued to strip down in front of me. As I've mentioned before, he rarely gets completely naked and there he was roaminf around the house in the nude!

He even tried to get me to join him in the shower, but I was too bewildered by the night's events and his actions to oblige. Instead, I brushed my teeth and washed up for bed while he prattled on to me through the shower curtain. The sex was great and for most of the night, we slept embracing each other. This morning he went as far as to kiss me goodbye when all I expected was his usual pat on the head.

It's that smile of his. I can't resist that smile!

I don't know what's going on between us, but I can't help the feelings that are raging on inside my chest. I'm scared to let my guard down because he's already hurt me once and I'm finally at a place where I have my emotions mostly in check. But with this sudden display of affection, that guard is begging to be broken down and I might just be willing to throw everything to the wind. Are his feelings for me changing? Dare I put hope to that thought...

He even came back during his lunch break and cooked me breakfast and we curled up on the couch for a spell.

Men!

scullerymaid at 2:42 p.m.

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